June 16, 2005

Caught Red Handed! Baseball’s Best Gossip Column

Early this morning Reds and Blues gave Reds fans everywhere an unprecedented look into the bosom buddydom of two of Cincinnati's most eligible bachelors when they printed a letter from Adam Dunn, playing an away game in Boston, to Austin Kearns, cooling his heels in Louisville.

Here at RHM, we also got an inside scoop when Kearns' response letter found its way to our desk.

Hey Dawg,
Man, Boston sounds awful. I sure don't miss those pictures of his kids Casey's always making everyone look at. But it sounds like you're having a pretty good time without me. You and Griff got new chairs, that's what you wanted. And some time on the PlayStation with Rich, good. You both suck at it, so you deserve each other. And took the Roxbury suit out without me. That's really great. Really, really great.

Louisville rocks. I don't know what I was thinking when I said I wanted to be on the field every day. I totally sat around for like four days eating pizza and picking up hotties. It was sweet. I've got girls lining up out the door to tell me how unfair they think it is that I got sent here. Two of them left just now after “comforting” me, if you know what I mean.

All the guys here think I'm totally awesome. When I came in the door they were all asking for my autograph and stuff. When I asked Sardinha about his Latin Love Machine impression, he was so excited that I'd heard of it that he made the whole room shut up so he could do the impression. Him and Denorfia actually almost got in a fight over who would get to sit next to me on the trip.

It's so easy to play here. I hit a double tonight and I wasn't even looking at the ball. Brian Rose started and totally sucked, 7 runs in 3 innings. I guess you guys will be seeing him soon. Ha! And I saw that you guys totally rocked the Braves tonight. It's really a good thing I wasn't there to drag the offense down. Geesh.

Now that you mention the Roxbury suits, I think I'll take mine out for a tour of Durham tonight. I wonder if Jason Romano likes to go to the clubs.

I've got so many people falling over themselves to buddy up to me, I don't even have time to think about how we used to cheat at Internet poker and crank call Pauly in the middle of the night. So don't worry about me. I'm cool. Totally cool.

Take care of yourself, pal.

2 comments to “Caught Red Handed! Baseball’s Best Gossip Column”

  1. DevilsAdvocate says:

    Before it is lost forever to history, here is the text of the first letter, ‘from’ Adam Dunn (link no longer works – taken from the Internet Archive):

    [i]Dear Dude,

    Hey buddy, how’s it going? Things here suck. I mean, Fenway is pretty cool and all, but they have black and white TVs in the clubhouse so the Playstation looks like crap. And without you here, I’m stuck playing with Aurilia. If you thought he sucked at regular baseball, you should see him on Playstation. We were playing Home Run Derby on MLB 2005, just like you and I always do. But instead of me being him and him being me like we always do, I was him, but he was him also. We didn’t hit any home runs during the entire 2 hours that we played. What made it worse was that every time he hit anything that was deep enough for a sacrifice fly he’d say “You see? That’s how it’s done.” I hate that guy.

    There are a lot of hotties here in Beantown, but I haven’t gotten any phone numbers yet. The other day I was warming up in the outfield with Freel. I kept trying to throw the ball over his head so that he could go talk to this girl in the first row for me, but he kept sprinting after the ball and diving to make the catch. Finally I just had to throw it all the way into the stands to get the girl’s attention. I accidentally hit her in the face though, giving her a big black eye. I wasn’t really interested in her anymore after that. I really miss having you as my wingman.

    When we got into town on Sunday night, I put on my sweet new Roxbury suit to go to the club. I couldn’t find anybody to hang with, so I ended up dragging along Casey and Randa. What a disaster! We only ended up staying at the club for a half an hour before Casey made us go back to the hotel and look at that stupid book of pictures of his kids. He kept saying, “Aren’t my kids awesome?!” All I could think is that it would be a little more awesome if there was a Beantown Betty with me right now. I can’t keep hanging out with all of these married guys. I wonder if Wily Mo likes to go to the clubs.[/i]

    continued below…

  2. DevilsAdvocate says:

    continued from above…

    [i]Junior and I went chair shopping again today. We both ended up getting a couple of bad-ass new Lay-zee-boy massage chairs with a phone and a refrigerator right there in the side compartment. The salesman kept saying they were wicked awesome in a thick Boston accent! We couldn’t stop laughing about that. After we bought them, we took them over to the car dealership to have them install a LoJack system in them. This time when Miley rips them off from us, we’ll be able to track their location. I think I hate that guy more than Aurilia.

    Well, I hope Louisville is treating you well. Since I’m not around to do it, make sure you get somebody to put sunscreen on your ears during day games. You know how easily they burn. There are lots of rumors here that you are going to get traded. If so, I hope you get traded to whatever city we are playing in that day so that we can keep hanging out. We all miss you!

    Keep sluggin’ away, dude!

    Best Friends Forever,

    P.S. – When Sardinha comes back down there, make sure you ask him to do his “Javy the Latin Love Machine” imitation. I almost peed my pants, no joke, dude![/i]