July 7, 2006
You Might Be a Reds Fan
By
Amanda
Posted at 3:32 pm
We've had some tough times lately here in Redsland, and I think we're due a good laugh. That's what I had in mind when I thought through the things that make Reds fans who they are. See how many of these describe you.
- If you shout “Redlegs” over everyone else singing “home team” or “Re-eds” during Take Me Out to the Ballgame…you might be a Reds fan
- If you like your hot dogs like you like your men: short, covered in Skyline, and three at a time…you might be a Reds fan
- If you live next door to Great American Ball Park but refuse to set foot inside until after the last day of school…you might be a Reds fan
- If you saw the movie The Wizard and you shouted “Larkin was better!” the whole way through…you might be a Reds fan
- If you convulse uncontrollably any time you hear the words “bull” or “pen”…you might be a Reds fan
- If you've caught three home run balls in the same game, and they were all pitched by Eric Milton…you might be a Reds fan
- If you've paid more for Opening Day tickets than you did for a month's rent…you might be a Reds fan
- If you've received tickets to any game other than Opening Day for free with your Happy Meal, purchase of a water heater, or trip to the orthodontist…you might be a Reds fan
- If you've been reprimanded at work for logging on to a baseball blog that sounds like porn…you might be a Reds fan.
If you live next door to Great American Ball Park, I think you’re probably a hobo.
Yeah, the last one is only true until butt-pirates.com, ass-tros.com, cardinals-like-boys.com, and cubs-scout-in-the-nude.com come along.
If you clean out under the couch and find a Ken Griffey Jr. Knucklehead figurine – you might be a Reds fan.
If directions to your house include the words, “Turn left at the tree with the 8×10 color photo autographed by Chris Sabo nailed to it” – you might be a Reds fan.
If going to the bathroom in your house in the middle of the night involves falling over an Official Major League Baseball autographed by Sean Casey inscribed The Mayor – you might be a Reds fan.
If your mother keeps an Official Cincinnati Reds Jersey autographed by Johnny Bench on the ironing board – you might be a Reds fan.
If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your season tickets to GABP – you might be a Reds fan.
And last but not least, if you see a sign that says “Flammable – Keep Away From Fire Or Flame” and it reminds you that Michael Gosling has just been recalled from Louisville – you might be a Reds fan.
HMZ
If you’re a hobo, you might be a Reds fan.
I keep an eye on the searches that result in hits to my site so that I can enhance the content for things people want to see. For example, I get tons of hits on “Felipe Lopez tattoos” so I added a bunch of stuff about his tats.
Recently, I’ve gotten tons of hits for “cub porn.” I don’t even know what that is. Like, baby bears or lions getting it on? Young reporters submitting to their lust? Some derivative of the furry fetish?
Whatever it is, it’s resulting in a lot of hits to RHM, so I’m still the definitive source for baseball sites that sound like porn on the internet!
I guess this is one time when it sucks to be the Hard Facts Staff around here.
“Cub Porn” refers to gay porn featuring male participants for whom there is also the slang term “muscle bears.”
In other words, don’t go there. 😉