1. Once, just once, I’d like to see Jeff Piecoro say something in a post-game interview worthy of getting him punched in the face.

2. How the hell is Kyle Lohse a ten-game winner? Are Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan warlocks?

3. Why isn’t there yet a Pete Rose reality show? People would totally watch, the content would be totally compelling, and he’d totally jump at the chance to do it. My initial idea for a title, “La Vie En Rose” seems a tad uppity given the subject matter. Perhaps something like, “The Thorny Life of Pete Rose”?

Boxscore

Jason LaRue blocked the plate, held onto the ball, and survived a collision with David DeJesus yesterday to keep the Royals off the board in the first inning. The next inning, he celebrated further by launching a 2-run homer to give the Cardinals the lead.

Albert Pujols also hit a home run, and just missed a second. Pujols served as the DH after being activated for the Royals series. His presence was missed, and his return helped St. Louis dispatch their in-state rivals.

It also moves them 2.5 games out of first, behind the slumping Cubs.

Boxscore

Yes, that was an optimistic headline. No, it’s not something that has a snowball’s chance in hell of happening, but it’s fun to dream sometimes. Also, it’s fun to play with small sample sizes.

The Reds won their second game in a row of yesterday. That’s 2-0 since the halfway point. You know what that means? They’re going to finish the year with a 117-45 record. There’s no way that doesn’t net them first place!

Bronson Arroyo actually pitched well, and the offense scored tons of runs. That’s usually how you win ball games, and the Reds did, no thanks to a couple errors.

The game also marked a dubious honor: it was the Reds first winning road trip this year (just barely at 5-4). Even worse, it was only the second winning road trip since all the way back to June 2006. Man, this team has sucked. But things are different now! This totally isn’t like how they started of the first half of the season well only to fall of a cliff. No, not at all.

If you’ve been one of the lucky ones to avoid seeing me and the Crack Technical Staff on the big board when you’ve attended Reds games this season, your luck is about to end.

Reds beat reporter John Fay dropped this little observation on the day before Cincinnati’s halfway point of the season.

If Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo don’t turn things around quickly, this season is toast.

Really? You’ve got to be kidding me. The optimism there astounds me. The Reds are 13.5 games out of first and have been double-digits back for a long time. And still Fay thinks the Reds have a shot?

This just in: monkeys have been spotted flying out of butts.

Boxscore

Edinson Volquez finally sucked for the Reds last night. In 4 1/3 innings, he allowed 7 runs-5 earned–and struck out none. None!

It was an ugly game. No, strike that. It was a Cincinnati game, the kind I expect to see since returning with Ken Griffey, Jr. in 2000. But Volquez’ starts had been something different: a win.

Ah, well. Everybody screws the pooch sometime.

The offense was no help, per usual. Jerry Hairston, Jr. was back, for whatever that’s worth. Griffey’s still old, and Dunn obviously has no passion and can’t hit well (he was 2-4 and scored the only Reds run).

Things are pretty down in Reds land right now, if web traffic is any indication. What I can’t figure out is why it took until almost July. I mean, Dusty Baker, the harbinger of all things antithetical to baseball goodness, was hired last year!

Boxscore

In the aftermath of the whole Shawn Chacon choking the Astros General Manager Ed Wade, the Astros actually played some baseball. And they played well, so take that all you nay-sayers about using strangulation as a motivation technique. Heck, it’s been working for Homer Simpson for years.

Wandy Rodriguez was pretty awesome, throwing lots of strikes and allowing few hits and fewer runs. Rodriguez pitched 8 innings of 1-run, 5-hit baseball, giving Houston their second series win in a row.

Wandy’s back on track, and Houston might be, as well. Of course, what would be more symbolic of rock bottom than players fighting front office staff in the clubhouse? There’s not much elsewhere to go but up.

Boxscore

The Cubs lost their first home series in a good long while to the Orioles, of all teams. Of course, considering Jason Marquis was pitching the rubber-match, the blow-out loss isn’t surprising.

Let’s roll that beautiful Marquis line score: 7 runs, all earned, in 4 innings of work. Ouch. Not good for any starter on a team with delusions of world domination, let alone the 4th or 5th.

So now the Cubs have both Marquis and Jim Edmonds on the team, both former Cardinals. Edmonds has been attempting to win over Cubs fans by flashes of competency–including a walk-off hit–but I have to wonder how this will end. You know Cardinals fans are hoping they’ll somehow sabotage Chicago’s season. Me, I don’t think the Cubs need any help screwing up their postseason chances from their oldest rival. They’ve been doing that just fine for a century.

Boxscore

Break out the champagne! The Reds finally scored some runs for Aaron Harang!

Of course, Harang promptly gave them back up, but he still lasted five times longer than Arroyo the previous night. And he only allowed half as many runs as Arroyo! I remember when Harang and Arroyo were one of the best one-two punches in the Central. Not that it was good times or anything, but how the mighty have fallen.

The Reds did manage to win the game, despite Harang’s continued rockiness. The bullpen kept the game tied and the offense came through with a sacrifice fly from Jay Bruce for the winning run in the top of the 10th.

At first when I saw Javier Valentín on the roster for third base, my immediate response was, and I quote, “WTF?” I mean, as glad as I am to see the LLM in the line-up for a change, he seems a little short and stout for the hot corner.

But the more I got to think about it, the more I talked myself into not hating the idea. As a catcher, he must have the reflexes to deal with those hits up the line, and he surely has the arm to get it over to first. Plus, with a zillion injuries, the Reds don’t have much choice, and his bat is certainly better than Paul “Soft J” Janish.

On an unrelated note, the Mets picked up Andy Phillips off waivers after the Reds sent him down without any options. Kinda sucks for the Reds; probably good for Phillips II.

How about Griffey’s homer number 602? I love to see that home run swing.

They keep saying that Harang is starting tonight, but I know that can’t be true because, as of the third inning, the Reds are ahead. I mean, I can understand the Blue Jays not having anything left after that routing yesterday, but since when does the offense put up any numbers for Aaron “Lemon” Harang? I mean, no one knows better than the good people of Toronto how much Adam Dunn doesn’t even *like* baseball.