Shocking news from the Attorney General’s office in Washington, DC today, the day after President Obama signed the Hate Crimes Bill. Apparently the law will be retroactively applied to those guilty of spewing hateful speech on the internet, and specifically targeted will be frustrated Cincinnati Reds fans who spent the better part of the past two seasons hurling insults at three African American characters with questionable sexual orientation, namely Corey Patterson, Willy Taveras, and Dusty Baker.

The wide criminal probe is focusing on Reds blogs such as Reds Reporter, Redleg Nation, John Fay, and a peculiar outfit known as Red Hot Mama which may be guilty of additional charges such as extreme sarcasm and impersonating a sports broadcaster with artificial intelligence, a new cyber crimes violation that is widely unknown in the blog-o-sphere.

“We must stand against crimes that are meant not only to break bones, but to break spirits — not only to inflict harm, but to instill fear,” said Obama at a White House reception Wednesday commemorating the signing of the bill, which he signed earlier in the day as part of the $680 billion defense authorization bill.

Typical comments by Cincinnati yokels were along the lines that Dusty Baker is a moron who should choke on his toothpick and die. Wishing painful death upon someone is clearly prohibited in the New Hate Bill legislation.

Or the widespread suggestion that Corey Patterson “has the goods” on his manager in order to secure his position and role of leadoff batter, clearly connotates sexual blackmail, another violation of the Hate Crime Bill.

“Saying that Willy Taveras should be traded for a bowl of Skyline Chili is simply unacceptable overstatement and derogotory of his true value as a pinch runner,” said Attorney General Eric Holder at a press conference announcing his intention to prosecute Hate Crimes vigorously and intensely. “We will leave no stone unturned in the course of our investigation,” Holder continued. “If it means an empty Great American Ball Park next season: so be it. I’m a Cardinals fan anyways.”

Chris Sabo’s Goggles will surely be under investigation for posting the following digitally manipulated image on his blog:


The Attorney General would not say specifically when warrants would be issued or when the indictments would begin, but one thing remains certain: Cincinnati fans are in trouble and should seek political asylum immediately if they ever shouted something rude during a baseball game or at their tv set when a neighbor was within earshot, or worse, if they posted their ill-conceived criticism in a blog post or message forum in public view.

We’ll report more on this story as it develops. In the meantime stock up on ammunition, firearms, and storeable food. And whatever you do please do not take the Swine Flu Vaccination.

As I struggled through a very tough day at work today, I eased my tension with the thought of how I would spend my evening: read my stupid freakin’ homework early, make some jalepeño poppers, and watch the damn game.

Here it is, the sixth inning, and I’m finally tuning in to see the Phillies leading it, 1-0, in the rain. What actually happened when I got home was that the CTS recommended we go out to Chili’s since we have some gift certificates. Being cranky and not wanting to cook, I agreed.

Chili’s was as slow as could be, and by the time we were finally leaving, I was exhausted and feeling a little sick to my stomach. I attributed it to being over full, until our 8-year old son vomited right on the floor as we left our booth.

That did not help us get out the door any faster.

Neither did him vomiting in the entryway. Hey, the Phillies just scored again. What’s up with Sabathia tonight? No good in the rain?

Anyway, we finally came home, my jalepeño poppers forgotten, my early homework reading opportunity gone. In mommy mode, I the proceeded to eat through the first 5 innings fussing over my kid. Now he’s in bed, apparently healthy after emptying his tummy thoroughly. Now, I’m catching some of the game rather than read my homework, which I may well regret, seeing as if I try to squeeze the reading in to my crazy day at work tomorrow, I might explode.

Though, probably not on the floor at Chili’s.

ANAHEIM, CA — The officiating crew in the Yankees-Angels series has been making some bad calls. But it’s not because they are bad at their jobs: it’s to save 30 barflies from having to face their families.

“When I have a decision to make,” said Jerry Layne, home plate umpire at tonight’s game, “I use my direct line to the Buffalo Wild Wings (BW3) in Humptulips, Washington to find out if the guys there want me to make the game longer or shorter.”

“They always say, ‘We don’t want to go home yet.’ I think they must have really sad home lives,” said Layne.

Despite multiple bad calls in tonight’s game, the Yankees won authoritatively.

“We try to give them some extra innings when we can–to keep their old ladies off their backs for a little while longer. It just wasn’t meant to be tonight.”

For the Red Hot Household, and for me in particular, October has been just a little piece of hell.

That may be a little harsh: most of the stuff that’s been keeping us so incredibly busy has been pretty fun, tonight’s finance midterm notwithstanding. Funny how I thought the test in my microeconomics class would be OK and the finance test would kill me, then it turned out to be the former that made me cry. Staying home from work for the last day and a half to study for the latter probably helped.

But between celebrating my birthday and the CTS’s birthday (a few weeks late) and going to the pumpkin patch and my soon-to-be-sister-in-law’s bachelorette party, there just hasn’t been time for much baseball. Even when I get home and turn on the game, as I have tonight, I have a little trouble concentrating. Probably has something to do with the fact that I’m so tired, I believe I actually fall asleep a little every time I blink my eyes.

Even so, it’s hard not to notice that the Yankees have a heckuva line-up right about now, I think that whoever wins the Phillies-Dodgers series will thank the Angel’s for wearing them out with all these extra-inning games. And the umps for their contribution as well.

Give Up After 2 Weeks

After a grueling 15 days without a pitching coach, the Cincinnati Reds took a page from the Nobel Peace Prize committee and hired someone earlier than necessary. Bryan Price, formerly of the Arizona Diamondbacks, will be the pitching coach for next year’s losing effort.

Many Reds fans had speculated that the Reds might pursue Dave Duncan, whose contract ends with the St. Louis Cardinals after this season. Of course, the Reds would have to, you know, interview people instead of hiring the first moron who they could lure into Cincinnati.

All I can figure is that with the Arizona Fall League stating, the Reds were going crazy with the idea of not having a pitching coach. I mean, how are the pitchers going know that they’re supposed to throw strikes instead of balls.

As if special-delivering a birthday present for me personally, the Chicago Tribune today reports on rumors of the Reds looking to significantly upgrade their coaching staff:

Dusty Baker may not be as safe in Cincinnati as the Reds’ strong finish would suggest. Owner Bob Castellini reportedly has his eye on the Cardinals tandem of manager Tony La Russa and pitching coach Dave Duncan.

Well, it’s no secret that many teams would have their eye on this pair, should they become available, and of course Castellini has always had the love for the St. Louis organization. George Grande might pull a Brett Favre if this were to go through.

And I make the birthday present comment because today does actually happen to be my birthday, not because firing the heckuva-guy-but-terrible-manager whose hiring drove me away from the team for a solid season is actually a gift. In fact, it’s more like stopping a wet willy.

The NLC’s only representation in the post season was just swept tonight. I had heard some say that the Cards were the team to beat in the NL and others say that the Cards were confident going in to the series. Behind Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright, I guess that’s understandable, but watching them in that last series again the Reds, I didn’t have high hopes. They went 2 for their last 10 for crying out loud.

It makes me wonder: if the Cubs hadn’t faded in September and the Cards hadn’t clinched so early, would they have been a better team going in to the post-season? Or would they not have gone at all?

Oh well, there’s always next year. Ought to be interesting to see how they do if their “pitcher whisperer” does indeed fly the coop as is being rumored. I wouldn’t hate to see him replacing Dick Pole.

George Grande, the squeaky-clean, impeccably tanned play-by-play guy for the Cincinnati Reds has called it quits:

“I wanted to spend more time at home, basically,” Grande said before Sunday’s game. “I love the Reds, what I do and I love my job. I just need to be home on a regular basis, not just four or five days a month, to keep up on things.”

I’m just glad he got a chance to see the Cardinals win it all before retiring.

In George’s honor, tonight we revisit the Georginator 6000 XL.

You may need to upgrade Flash to play the Georginator 6000 XL. Get the latest version here. Countless thanks to my crack technical staff, who created the Georginator 6000 XL essentially all by himself.

Use the Georginator 6000 XL.

Here’s a panoramic shot of Wrigley Field during its final game of the 2009 baseball season. Check out those blocked sight-lines! Click to embiggen.