August 15, 2014

Rip Van Jocketty wakes up after 20 months

Jocketty after shaving the beard from his long sleep.

Jocketty after shaving the beard from his long sleep.

CINCINNATI – A local man who slept through the last 20 months is being touted as a modern-day Rip Van Winkle.

Walt Jocketty (63), who works as the General Manager for the Cincinnati Reds, was discovered snoozing under a hedge high in the Walnut Hills last night. He’s been missing since December 2012, shortly after he completed a trade for Shin-Soo Choo.

“There’s instant replay in baseball now?” said a confused Jocketty. “Did I sleep through hell freezing over, too?” Hell may not be frozen, but fans of the Reds felt Jocketty’s absence at last year’s Winter’s Meetings, as well as at the last two trade deadlines.

“I just can’t believe Albert Pujols is good again,” said Jocketty. “I can’t wrap my head around Adam Dunn being a pitcher. I’m freaking out.”

The Reds have hired a counselor to help Jocketty reintegrate into society after such a long sabbatical. They’re also launching an investigation into how the team could go without a General Manager for so long without anyone noticing or doing anything about it.

“I admit I thought it was weird when we didn’t deal Simon at the deadline,” said team owner Bob Castellini, “I should have actually checked whether Walt was at his desk.”

August 7, 2014

The “No, Really, It’s Not Racist” Sandwich

At least they didn't call it a Cleveland Steamer.

Don’t miss the Smokehouse’s signature food item for the Cleveland Indians series. It’s food so good, you can eat it!

July 31, 2014

MLB Network partners with CNN for deadline coverage

SECAUCUS, N.J — MLB Network has partnered with CNN to cover trade rumors and news during 31 hours of live studio programming leading up to today’s 4:00 p.m. ET non-waiver trade deadline.

This is MLB>>BREAKING NEWS: The Cincinnati Reds have traded left fielder Ryan Ludwick to St. Louis for catcher Yadier Molina.

In exchange for content to help fill the 24-hour news cycle, CNN is making available its Situation Room and holographic simulation technology for the extensive trade deadline coverage.

This is MLB>>BREAKING NEWS: Almost 4% of Reds fans support the trade of Ludwick for injured Molina.

“We’re going to see what it’s really like for these heroes on the front-office: constantly searching for another cup of coffee, never sure when their cell phone battery is going to give out,” said Wolf Blitzer. “Full-scale simulations of their office desks and laptop computers will really put the viewers in the middle of the action.”

This is MLB>>BREAKING NEWS: Experts say the Molina trade will boost the burgeoning tech sector in St. Louis.

MLB Analyst Peter Gammons will be pocket tweeting his reactions to trades as they happen, and MLB Network insider Ken Rosenthal will have a live camera positioned inside his offices at MLB Network throughout the day. “You’ll be able to tell my confidence in the trade rumors I’m discussing based on the color of my bow tie,” said Rosenthal. “Red means it’s a long shot, yellow means it could happen, and green polka dots means it’s a sure thing.”

This is MLB>>BREAKING NEWS: The previously announced Ludwick/Molina trade was incorrectly reported. It turns out we just overheard some guys at a BW3 talking about what would be the stupidest trade possible and we ran with it.

MLB Network expects the coverage to be a booming success and is in talks with James Earl Jones to record a “This is MLB Network” stinger.

July 25, 2014

Former Tween Stars to Bail Out Redlegs

The new Reds lineup

Frazier will be leading off, followed by the rest of his Little League teammates. (Image source.)

CINCINNATI – Third baseman Todd Frazier is calling on some old friends to help the fragmented and foundering Reds find their legs.

Frazier was famously a member of Toms River East American All-Stars, the team that won the Little League World Series in 1998. This week he put in some calls to get the gang back together.

“When in doubt, go back to basics,” said manager Bryan Price. “We have a heck of a lot of doubt right now, and I can’t think of anything more basic than little league, so I say we give these guys a shot.”

In a scene right out of “The Replacements,” one by one a college pitching coach, a QA analyst, a mechanical engineer, and a graphic designer each reported for duty.

“At least two of these guys played well into their late teens,” said Frazier, “And they all have miles and miles of heart.”

“I’m wiry,” said little league second baseman Joe Franceschini.

If Frazier succeeds in filling the General Manager void, he says he’ll consider filling more front-office positions. “Tommy’s dad is a lawyer,” said Frazier, “so he could always help with the contracts.”

July 16, 2014

The All Star game and Todd Frazier

In case you were wondering why all the baseball teams just suddenly stopped playing and the most recent score on your phone sports app is from Sunday, that’s because it’s the All Star break. The game was last night, with the National League losing to the American League 5-3, thanks entirely to the terrible pitching by the St. Louis Cardinals.

It was also the last All Star game for Derek Jeter. However, that was not because he was going to be a human sacrifice following the game as I originally thought. Apparently, he’s decided he sucks at baseball now and wants to quit instead of going after Pete Rose’s hit record.

That also was not what the game and the break has been about for me. No, for me, it’s been Todd Frazier blossoming on the national scene. First, he was selected to participate in the home run derby. This is the first time I’ve sat through an entire derby–three hours of batting practice, counting the rain delay–and it’s thanks entirely to Frazier. He was that much fun to watch.

After his initial round of only 2 home runs, I figured he was done. But then Yasiel Puig hit no home runs in his 5 seconds of trying, and Frazier tied with Justin Morneau. After Frazier won the tie-breaker, he advanced to the second round and easily dispatched Troy Tulowitzki 6-2. In the semi-finals, Frazier narrowly squeaked by Giancarlo Stanton 1-0.

That made Frazier the National League Home Run Derby champion, which is pretty cool. Sure, he was easily dispatched by the defending champion Yeonis Cespedes, but it was quite enjoyable to see Frazier competing with his oldest brother throwing the pitches.

Frazier walked in his lone at bat during the All Star game. And hopefully, we’ll get to see him and many more Reds take the field when the game comes to Cincinnati next year.