“All right, I pitched a perfect game!”

“Oh, no, it was for the Pirates.”

Talk about a meaningless effort right there. Karstens was very good in his second start, though, and hasn’t allowed a run yet as a Pirate. Pittsburgh can only hope that competency continues from Karstens and all the other players they received.

The perfect game bid was broken up in the 8th by Chris Young. Karstens’ final line was 9 innings, 0 runs, 2 hits, 1 walk, and 4 strikeouts.

Of course, it’s not exactly an indictment of the Pirates that they scored only one run off of Brandon Webb, who has an ERA on the year of 2.93. Yeah, he doesn’t allow too many runs. Webb pitched the complete game for his 16th victory on the year, while Duke received his 10th loss.

All in all, Carpenter’s allowed 1 run in 9 innings, and that one run was in his first start. If he can increase his stamina, stay effective, and stay healthy, Carpenter might just give the Cardinals the shot in the arm they need.

He didn’t last night because St. Louis’ bullpen is having issues. With the team leading 4-0 in the 9th, things looked rosy. That is until Ron Villone faced the first batter of the inning, Andruw Jones, who homered. LaRussa immediately changed pitchers and brought in Jason Isringhausen. But this is still not the Izzy of old, as he allowed the game to be tied and sent it to extra innings.

So Carpenter remains winless since 2006, but the Cardinals did eventually win the game, thanks to a 2-run home run from Ryan Ludwick.

To add in the fact that he’s a professional athlete and presumably very active most days of the week, you multiple his BMR by 1.725, according to the Harris Benedict Equation to determine the calories he needs to maintain his weight given his lifestyle. That brings his total 4289.385.

To put this in perspective, a cup of fresh, raw spinach contains 7 calories. A tomato has about 40. A serving of tofu has about 100 calories. Even an avocado, the unsaturated fattiest of the veggies, has only about 300, and you have to eat the whole thing.

None of that may seem relevant, until you think about how, after reading the book Skinny Bitch in the off season, Prince Fielder became a vegetarian. And it would take over 14 avocados, 10 blocks of tofu, 100 tomatoes, or 613 cups of fresh spinach per day to keep that guy at high fighting weight.

Hope no one else wanted to hit the salad bar.

That bizarre trade for Latrell Hawkins is looking golden now. He pitched one-third of an inning for the save! One-third! That’s a whole out.

The game had two different rain delays. The first one lasted 2 hours and 45 minutes right after the 5th inning was completed. The second delay was in the bottom of the eighth and lasted only 39 minutes before the game was called.

The Astros have now won 4 in a row, while the Cubs modest 2-game winning streak was broken.

Here the Reds are, coming off a sweep from the Nationals–a terrible, crappy team if ever there was one. I mean, their GM is Jim Bowden, a guy who wasn’t good enough for Cincinnati. And into town comes the Milwaukee Brewers, a team battling for first place in the division and the wild card spot.

So naturally the Reds win.

Bronson Arroyo had his better half show up, as he pitched 6 innings and allowed only 1 run while doubling in a couple for his side. The bullpen was adequate, as Magic Man and Stormy both gave up runs, but the lead still held for Francisco Cordero to get the “easy” save.

The Reds have shown serious motivation issues, beating good teams and getting spanked by sucky ones. If only there were a way to fix that, but obviously, that’s nothing management has anything to do with.

As for the Brewers, they missed a great opportunity to beat a bad team and gain a game on the losing Cubs. But Manny Parra imploded in the 5th, allowing 4 runs and leading to a shoving match with Prince Fielder. (Note to Parra: Run away. You won’t win.)

We’ll see if that fighting helps them going forward.

Finally, I am beginning to emerge from the Nyquil-stained sheets and enjoy the pleasures of the waking world. And, though I’m having almost no trouble keeping myself upright as I watch tonight’s Reds-Brewers game, and though the once-searing pain in my throat is now barely more than a nagging ache, I have not been able to shake this voice affliction that makes me sound like a lifetime smoker/nightclub singer. Maybe we’ll record a podcast so you all can enjoy it.

I’m enjoying watching the Reds win for a change. Even if Cordero eventually gives this one up, we got to see Bronson Arroyo not suck, Gary Majewski suck for only an inning, and David Weathers get out of his own jam. Oh, and Prince Fielder shoving a guy 1/10th his weight in the dugout.

The Crack Technical Staff was telling me that the Reds’ record against teams with records over .500 is very high, while their record against teams with records under .500 is very low. So, they rise to the challenge against the leaders, and manage to suck even worse than the suck teams. Seems strange, but it also seems like exactly the sort of pattern this team has kept up over the years, like scoring among the most runs in the majors but failing to actually contend and hiring Dusty Baker.

While I was out sick, a Cubs fan I work with sent me a taunting email about the Reds already giving up for the season, saying it was earlier than usual. He’s right, but I told him that at least they weren’t giving up on NEXT season yet, which is a nice change of pace.

I also told him that it’s not my problem anyway, seeing as I’m a White Sox fan now.

But apparently not really, since I hung around long enough to see Cordero finally get another save. Dude, it’s about damn time! And Arroyo is officially a 10-game winner. AND Jim Day has a fan club. It was totally worth getting out of bed today.

Your last place Cincinnati Reds, ladies and gentlemen. And just think, the team has two more years of this unfocused mess of baseball left, unless they fire manager Dusty Baker before another rebuilding effort has to start.

Johnny Cueto got the loss yesterday, thanks to 4 runs (3 earned) in the first. After that, he settled down and ended up pitching 6 innings. A decent outing from a rookie. The offense provided no help, though, against Collin Balester. That’s right, Collin Balester. The Reds were doomed before the first pitch.

Manny Ramirez went to the Dodgers, Jason Bay went to the Red Sox, while Andy LaRoche, Bryan Morris, Brandon Moss, and Craig Hansen went to the Pirates. LaRoche gives the Pirates the complete set of LaRoche brothers in the Majors, so that’s worth something. I mean, look at how well the Reds did when they had both Boone brothers.

Andy LaRoche was one of the Dodgers best prospects, and every other player obtained is young and more talented than about anyone else in the entire Pirates farm system. So it looks like a competent move to secure the team’s future. Painful? Sure. Bay was good. But I think it’s something that’s been long overdue from the Pirates. Neal Huntington has earned a gold star for his work leading up to the deadline.

Pirates bloggers have mixed opinions.

• Pat at WHYGAS? likes the trade quite a bit and goes so far as to Fire Joe Morgan a Post-Gazette reporter’s opinion on the matter.
• Bucco Blog has the most negative reaction to the trade that I’ve seen, feeling it’s more of the same and that nothing has changed.
• Finally, the Pittsburgh Lumber Company rates the trade as very good, finding it much better than expected. When you’re a Pirates fan, better than expected is a huge win.

Two of the biggest names in baseball changed teams, and both trades involved the NL Central. Of course, big-name, established talent was leaving the NLC, but that’s come to be expected.

As reported here yesterday, Ken Griffey Jr. was traded to the White Sox. Basically this saves the Reds some money and it gives them a couple players who might be useful. That’s more than I expected they could get out of Griffey.

The trade is bittersweet, though. Everyone had high hopes for the Reds when Griffey arrived in 2000, but he never seemed to be the player that people expected. Injuries and getting older were a part of that, as was the incalculable incompetency of the Reds organization. (This trade notwithstanding, the incompetency continues even now. See Dusty Baker.)

The blogger reaction is mixed. Some like it, some don’t. All seem to realize how special of a player he was, though.

• John Fay was stunned but seems to have come around.
• Justin at On Baseball and the Reds thinks the Reds won the trade and offers his usual level-headed analysis.
• And Shawn wishes Griffey well with his new team and offers the frightening Reds future: one with more playing time for Corey Patterson.

Ah, what could have been.

According to the story on Reds.com:

The Reds will receive right-handed pitcher Nick Masset and second baseman Danny Richar, a source said.

Griffey, 38, is a likely free agent after the season. In the final year of a nine-year deal, the Reds held a $16.5 million club option for 2009, with a $4 million buyout.

The trade that’s been in the works since 2005 but seemed like it would never come may finally be here: FOX Sports (and even the MLB.com pages concur) reports that the Reds and White Sox have come to an agreement to send Ken Griffey Jr. to the windy city, if the slugger agrees to go.

Ken Rosenthal says:

The White Sox, leading the American League Central by a game and a half, would use Griffey mostly in the outfield, the source said. However, they do not have an obvious spot for him unless they make another deal.

The Sox are set at the corners with Carlos Quentin in left and Jermaine Dye in right. They could play Nick Swisher at first to open center for Griffey, a move that would reduce the playing time of first baseman Paul Konerko and designated hitter Jim Thome. But Griffey has not played center regularly since 2006.

Griffey, earning $12.5 million this season in the final year of his contract, is owed more than $4 million in salary. The Reds could pay a portion of that sum to acquire better players in the deal. The White Sox also could be seeking to acquire one of the Reds’ available relievers, right-hander David Weathers or lefty Jeremy Affeldt.

No word yet on what the Reds would get in return.

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Patterson’s average is .183, in case you were wondering. His Not Out Percentage is 21.6%. That’s right, he’s made an out 78.4% of the time. Sounds like a prototypical Dusty Baker leadoff man to me!

This was the game I switched to once the Cubs-Brewers game turned into a blowout. I don’t know what I was expecting, certainly not good baseball from the Reds.

Bronson Arroyo, who took the bold, courageous stand of desiring to play for a wannabe-last-place team, was terrible, allowing 6 runs in 6 1/3 innings. Way to show how much you deserve to stay, Bronson. Of course, he did drive in 1 of the 2 runs, so that’s something. At the least, it’s more than Patterson’s done since June 21.

The Reds have now lost 5 in a row and sit in last place, 13.5 games out.

Last night’s game was kind of a letdown. I’d hoped for another close one like the first one, and with Carlos Zambrano going against Ben Sheets it was certainly possible. But Sheets sucked and Zambrano didn’t. The Brewers offense consisted of an RBI from Mike Cameron. That’s not good enough most nights, let alone when your ace pitcher allows 6 in 5 1/3.

The Brewers have been outplayed these first two games of the series, and they were the team playing better baseball beforehand. It is making me rethink my assessment of the Brewers. We’ll see how they do in the final two games. Maybe without the big pitching guns, Milwaukee’s bats will wake up. I hope so; I’m getting bored.

No, the real disappointment was my out-of-the-blue 100 degree fever that had me asleep around the halfway point of the game. Stupid sick body wanting to heal. As if sleeping will help.

It looked like the game might go into extra frames when it was tied at 4 in the 9th, but Derrek Lee wanted to go home. He smacked a 2-run double off Salomon Torres, and the Brewers were unable to come back against Carlos Marmol.

Chicago now has a 2 game lead on Milwaukee, although I imagine the Brewers plan on doing something about that today.

Marquis de Suck lived up to his nickname, allowing 6 runs in 6 innings. However, the Cubs showed their first signs of offensive life in the last week or so when they dropped a 4-spot on the board in the 7th to take their first lead of the game. Mike Fontenot provided the bulk of that, with a pinch-hit 3-run double.

Newcomer Jeff Samardzija got his first career save, ably filling in for a disabled Kerry Wood.

Now the Cubs head to Milwaukee for a series I hope to catch a few games of. The Brewers are about the only team playing exciting baseball in the Central right now, and it would be nice to watch a baseball game that wasn’t over after the starters were announced (I’m looking at you, Josh Fogg).

It’s also the Reds way of attempting to not be swept by a team worse than them.

There were no offensive highlights and no pitching ones, either, although Francisco Cordero pitched a scoreless inning. When the Reds started the Rockies series, there were pie-in-the-sky rumblings about how a sweep would get the Reds back to .500.

Hopefully, that pathetic showing will prompt owner Bob Castellini and GM Walt Jocketty to use the trading deadline to load up for the future. Of course, perhaps the best way to do that would be to fire Dusty Baker.

My first thought, though, was that it’s a Roxbury suit, as if fake news from 2005 is till rattling around in the Reds’ collective consciousness:

The search for the bat took Kearns and Dunn on a wacky adventure through Denver, starting at a local high-end tailor. They had apparently had matching irridescent suits made because they wanted to look “just like those Night-at-the-Roxbury dudes on Saturday Night Live.”

“What Is Love?” by Haddaway blasted in the background as the two tried on the new suits. That’s when they noticed the tattoos on their backs.

“Dude, what does mine say?” asked Dunn.
“’Donkey,’ what does mine say?” Kearns replied.
“Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that only chicks can call me that, and what does mine say?” Dunn responded.
“They fit all that on my back?” asked a bewildered Kearns.

They are playing Colorado, which is who they were playing when this story took place, and putting Dunn in a fancy suit with a big gold chain seems otherwise irrelevant to the game. On the other hand, the intern who came up with this idea was probably too young to be reading RHM in 2005, just as Dunn, born in 1979 in Texas, would have been too young (and Texan) to ever have worn that suit.

Looks good on him, though. He ought to consider it.

Having watched Franklin with the Reds, you would think I would have been prepared for the homer Ryan Braun launched off him in the 9th. I guess LaRussa’s bullpen voodoo magic is wearing off.

The win was the Brewers 8th in a row and gave them the sweep of the 4-game series against St. Louis. This is the longest winning streak this century for Milwaukee, the hottest team in the Majors right now. And with pitchers like Sheets and Sabathia in the rotation, it’d be hard not to look over your shoulder if you’re a Cubbie.

The Cardinals look a little tired. At least, the pitchers do. LaRussa wants a trade, but now would be a bad time to trade away the future. Bullpen help is needed, but the best solution might be a starting pitcher who can go more than 5 innings on a regular basis. With Todd Wellemeyer and Braden Looper, the Cardinals have to use their bullpen for 8 innings every 5 days. That’s rough. If they can address that, they might hang in the race.