August 21, 2014
You have to go to international waters even if you have implied oral consent.
CINCINNATI – At 7:10 p.m. ET today, Cincinnati Reds baseball fans faced a difficult choice: turn to the game or continue watching the 2-week marathon of every episode of The Simpsons on FXX.
“Dead Pudding Society” was playing when the game started, and some fans found they couldn’t tear themselves away.
“I haven’t seen a rerun of Bart and Todd Flanders going head-to-head in putt-putt in at least a couple months,” explained dedicated fan Mike Rotch, “but I feel like I’ve seen the same Reds’ game over and over every night for a week.”
Thanks to injuries and a postponed game, the Reds find themselves even more short-staffed. Substitute pitcher David Holmberg started the opening game in the series against the Atlanta Braves. “Bart Versus Thanksgiving” (the one where Bart destroys Lisa’s Thanksgiving centerpiece) wasn’t even over before Holmberg had given up the first run.
“The Simpsons marathon lasts 12 days, but the Reds are already 10 games back,” said Rotch. “I guess I’m just ready for a little break from my regular entertainment.”
August 15, 2014
Jocketty after shaving the beard from his long sleep.
CINCINNATI – A local man who slept through the last 20 months is being touted as a modern-day Rip Van Winkle.
Walt Jocketty (63), who works as the General Manager for the Cincinnati Reds, was discovered snoozing under a hedge high in the Walnut Hills last night. He’s been missing since December 2012, shortly after he completed a trade for Shin-Soo Choo.
“There’s instant replay in baseball now?” said a confused Jocketty. “Did I sleep through hell freezing over, too?” Hell may not be frozen, but fans of the Reds felt Jocketty’s absence at last year’s Winter’s Meetings, as well as at the last two trade deadlines.
“I just can’t believe Albert Pujols is good again,” said Jocketty. “I can’t wrap my head around Adam Dunn being a pitcher. I’m freaking out.”
The Reds have hired a counselor to help Jocketty reintegrate into society after such a long sabbatical. They’re also launching an investigation into how the team could go without a General Manager for so long without anyone noticing or doing anything about it.
“I admit I thought it was weird when we didn’t deal Simon at the deadline,” said team owner Bob Castellini, “I should have actually checked whether Walt was at his desk.”