September 26, 2014

Jocketty’s dream of doing nothing is alive and well

The Cincinnati Reds announced the extension of General Manager Walt Jocketty’s contract for at least next season yesterday. Many are wondering how someone who hasn’t done anything that improved the club in almost two years could have been renewed so easily. Thankfully, a mole inside the club leaked us the following transcript of an interview between Jocketty, CEO Bob Castellini, and Director of Media Relations Rob Butcher from before the extension.

Walt: Hi, Bob. Rob.
Rob: Why don’t you grab a seat and join us for a minute?
Bob: We’re just trying to get a feel for how people spend their day. So, if you would, would you just walk us through a typical day for you?
Walt: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. I use the Hall of Fame entrance, so no one sees me. Uh, and after that, I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Rob: Space out?
Walt: I just stare at my desk but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too. I’d say, in a given week, I do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.
Bob: Would you be a good sport and indulge us and tell us a little more?
Walt: The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy. It’s just that I just don’t care.
Rob: Don’t, don’t care?
Walt: It’s a problem of motivation. Now, if I work my ass off and the Reds win a few more games, I don’t see another dime. So where’s the motivation? And here’s another thing, Bob. I have four different bosses right now!
Bob: Four?
Walt: Four, Bob. You, of course, Bryan, the fans, and somehow Dusty still tells me when I’ve screwed up. So that means when I make a mistake, I have four different groups coming by to tell me about it. That’s my real motivation – is not to be hassled. That and the fear of losing my job, but y’know, Bob, that will only make someone work hard enough not to get fired.
Bob: Bear with me for a minute.
Walt: Ok.
Bob: Believe me, this is hypothetical. But what if you were offered some kind of stock option and equity sharing program?
Walt: Sure, I guess.
Bob: One thing, before we’re done. It looks like you’ve been missing a lot of trades lately.
Walt: I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing them. Y’know, trades take a good three hours to make, and like I said, I only put in about 15 minutes of work a week.
Rob: Sure. I think that we’re finished here.
Bob: We’ll get back to you in a few days.
[Noise as Walt gets up and leaves.]
Rob: What a straight shooter.
Bob: Definitely. I think our problem is we haven’t challenged him enough to get him really motivated.
Rob: I agree.
Bob: What he needs is at least another year.

So there you have it. That’s what led the Reds to extend Jocketty. And I think with another year of doing nothing, the Reds can achieve a second, consecutive fourth-place finish. Heck, they might even be able to wrest last place from the hands of the Cubs.

September 3, 2014

Tag! You’re it!

At least the umpire didn't miss a good game.

Billy Hamilton improves his future chances for being safe at first by taking out the umpire.

August 21, 2014

Reds fans debate watching baseball or The Simpsons

You have to go to international waters even if you have implied oral consent.

CINCINNATI – At 7:10 p.m. ET today, Cincinnati Reds baseball fans faced a difficult choice: turn to the game or continue watching the 2-week marathon of every episode of The Simpsons on FXX.

“Dead Pudding Society” was playing when the game started, and some fans found they couldn’t tear themselves away.

“I haven’t seen a rerun of Bart and Todd Flanders going head-to-head in putt-putt in at least a couple months,” explained dedicated fan Mike Rotch, “but I feel like I’ve seen the same Reds’ game over and over every night for a week.”

Thanks to injuries and a postponed game, the Reds find themselves even more short-staffed. Substitute pitcher David Holmberg started the opening game in the series against the Atlanta Braves. “Bart Versus Thanksgiving” (the one where Bart destroys Lisa’s Thanksgiving centerpiece) wasn’t even over before Holmberg had given up the first run.

“The Simpsons marathon lasts 12 days, but the Reds are already 10 games back,” said Rotch. “I guess I’m just ready for a little break from my regular entertainment.”

August 15, 2014

Rip Van Jocketty wakes up after 20 months

Jocketty after shaving the beard from his long sleep.

Jocketty after shaving the beard from his long sleep.

CINCINNATI – A local man who slept through the last 20 months is being touted as a modern-day Rip Van Winkle.

Walt Jocketty (63), who works as the General Manager for the Cincinnati Reds, was discovered snoozing under a hedge high in the Walnut Hills last night. He’s been missing since December 2012, shortly after he completed a trade for Shin-Soo Choo.

“There’s instant replay in baseball now?” said a confused Jocketty. “Did I sleep through hell freezing over, too?” Hell may not be frozen, but fans of the Reds felt Jocketty’s absence at last year’s Winter’s Meetings, as well as at the last two trade deadlines.

“I just can’t believe Albert Pujols is good again,” said Jocketty. “I can’t wrap my head around Adam┬áDunn being a pitcher. I’m freaking out.”

The Reds have hired a counselor to help Jocketty reintegrate into society after such a long sabbatical. They’re also launching an investigation into how the team could go without a General Manager for so long without anyone noticing or doing anything about it.

“I admit I thought it was weird when we didn’t deal Simon at the deadline,” said team owner Bob Castellini, “I should have actually checked whether Walt was at his desk.”

August 7, 2014

The “No, Really, It’s Not Racist” Sandwich

At least they didn't call it a Cleveland Steamer.

Don’t miss the Smokehouse’s signature food item for the Cleveland Indians series. It’s food so good, you can eat it!