Yearly Archives: 2005

December 31, 2005

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Happy new year. Be careful out there, and enjoy the holiday.

Happy New Year
Spike Jones and the City Slickers

This is my New Year's resolution:
When my mother-in-law begins to yell and shout
Through the window I would like to throw her out.
But I resolve not to do it, here is why:
I'm afraid of hitting someone passing by.
This is my New Year's resolution.

When I'm at the movies watching a love scene
And a lady's hat is blocking half the screen
I resolve not to shout, “Take off that hat!”
I'll remove it gently with a baseball bat.
This is my New Year's Resolution.

When I take a lovely lady out to eat
And she orders caviar instead of meat
I resolve to let the lady have her fill.
And of course I'll also let her pay the bill.
This is my New Year's Resolution.

When I'm sitting with my wifey on a bus
And a dear old lady stands in front of us
I resolve to be a gentleman discreet.
I'll politely offer her my wifey's seat.
This is my New Year's Resolution.

When my mother says, “Come in, it's time to eat.”
And I keep on playing games out in the street
I resolve to rush right home now when I'm called
Cause my pop just got a hairbrush and he's bald.
This is my New Year's Resolution.

On the radio this year I hope to score
With some funny jokes you've never heard before.
I resolve not to tell a corny joke.
Hello, what's that? The church burned down? Holy smoke!
This is my New Year's Resolution.

In this coming year I'm going to be discreet.
Have the Slicker's playing music soft and sweet.
I resolve to treat Tchaikovsky tenderly
And set his second movement with TNT.
This is my New Year's Resolution.

December 31, 2005

Stenson Murder Trial Begins Next Week

Via Crosley's Ghost.

The AP reports that the murder trial for Reginald Riddle, implicated in the 2003 death of Reds prospect Dernell Stenson, is set to begin next week. The state and the defense have been meeting to resolve the case with a plea agreement.

I imagine we'll all be following this with intense interest.

December 30, 2005

Searching for Buried Fake News

Here at the end of December, the Nationals signing Ramon Ortiz counts as Reds news, so I cleaned my desk.

Among the piles of junk mail and technical writing magazines, I discovered drafts of a few fake news stories that I never got around to actually publishing. Seeing as I'm real bored, I decided it would be fun to blow the dust off these stories and publish them a teensy bit late.

This first one was set back in the middle of August. You might want to go read this story to jog your memory about the context.


Friday, August 19, 2005
Lindner Finds Way to Enjoy Reds' Season
Carl Lindner: Jerky BoyCINCINNATI, OH -- Reds' owner Carl Lindner has been busy on the phone lately.

Lindner got Ken Griffey Jr.'s heart pumping on Thursday when he called. However, Lindner wasn't calling about sending Griffey to Chicago, but rather to offer tickets to a tennis tournament.

Lindner sent a similar jolt through Rich Aurilia when he called at 5 this morning.

“I'm not a 10-5 guy, so I didn't know why a trade would require a call from the owner,” said Aurilia, “But I started getting really excited about it anyway.”

Aurilia's call began the same as Griffey's: a secretary announced that Lindner wanted to speak to him, followed by a long period of silence.

“But I don't think time was dragging on,” said Aurilia, “I think he actually left me hanging there for five minutes.”

Finally, Lindner answered the phone.

“He says, 'I bet you're wondering why I'm calling you,' and I say, 'I've got an idea,'” recounted Aurilia, “Then he says, 'You probably think I've got a trade in the works, right?' and I say 'Yeah.'”

That wasn't what Lindner had in mind, however. A couple of seconds of muffled laughter preceded Lindner's response.

“Then he all of a sudden shouts 'Psych!' and slams down the phone,” said Aurilia.

“It was really rude and immature.”

Asked to comment on the phone call, Lindner giggled like a little girl.

“After that, I called [Cardinals' manager] Tony La Russa and asked if he had his first baseman in a can,” hooted Lindner.

December 29, 2005

Reds Jersey Quiz

Which Jersey Should You Wear? Are you new to Reds fandom and don't know which jersey to buy?
Are you one of those poor fellows who walks around in a nameless jersey, like some kind of anonymous loser?
Are you bored with the lack of Reds news and think that even stale, hackneyed jokes about your favorite players would be a worthwhile investment of 10 minutes?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you, my friend, are in luck. Today, thanks to the tireless effort of my crack technical staff, I am able to present to you the Reds Jersey Quiz.

This highly scientific quiz deeply analyzes your answers to ten questions about yourself and matches you up with your perfect jersey match. Before you invest $200 in a shirt with someone else's name on it, you owe it to yourself to make sure it's the right one. Take your quiz today.

Reds Jersey Quiz

December 28, 2005

Valentín Tears Up Puerto Rico; Randa to the Pirates

Javier Valentín and Joe Randa in group shot with other RedsAccording to Rotoworld, via GP at The Cincinnati Reds Report! (who received an invitation from me to drop a link to himself in my comments, and then proceeded to do so on every other Reds blog except mine--but I'm not bitter), Javier Valentín is tearing it up in the Puerto Rican league.

I'm not surprised. Well, yes I am. But mostly because I didn't realize Javy was playing anywhere this offseason. May he keep it up.

Also, according to our good friend Pat (who did visit RHM when invited. Hrumph!) at Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke? the Pirates have signed Joe Randa to a 1-year, $4 million contract. It's nice to know that Casey will have a friend there, at least until the trade deadline.