August 15, 2014

Rip Van Jocketty wakes up after 20 months

Jocketty after shaving the beard from his long sleep.

Jocketty after shaving the beard from his long sleep.

CINCINNATI – A local man who slept through the last 20 months is being touted as a modern-day Rip Van Winkle.

Walt Jocketty (63), who works as the General Manager for the Cincinnati Reds, was discovered snoozing under a hedge high in the Walnut Hills last night. He’s been missing since December 2012, shortly after he completed a trade for Shin-Soo Choo.

“There’s instant replay in baseball now?” said a confused Jocketty. “Did I sleep through hell freezing over, too?” Hell may not be frozen, but fans of the Reds felt Jocketty’s absence at last year’s Winter’s Meetings, as well as at the last two trade deadlines.

“I just can’t believe Albert Pujols is good again,” said Jocketty. “I can’t wrap my head around Adam┬áDunn being a pitcher. I’m freaking out.”

The Reds have hired a counselor to help Jocketty reintegrate into society after such a long sabbatical. They’re also launching an investigation into how the team could go without a General Manager for so long without anyone noticing or doing anything about it.

“I admit I thought it was weird when we didn’t deal Simon at the deadline,” said team owner Bob Castellini, “I should have actually checked whether Walt was at his desk.”

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