CINCINNATI, OH -- The Cincinnati Reds, who were already a generous bunch even before recent opportunities to contribute to flood relief and comfort a small child who lost his grandfather during a game, revealed today that they have been donating runs from selected games to charity all season long.

The announcement was supposed to wait until after the conclusion of the 2005 season, but word leaked yesterday when John Fay of the Cincinnati Enquirer let slip the fact that Felipe Lopez “delivered a two-run, RBI single in the seventh to tie it at 1-1” in his story Valentin Comes Up Large Once Again.

“People started asking questions,” explained Sean Casey, who masterminded the plan, “about how a two-run hit could tie the score at ones. So we decided to just go ahead and let the cat out of the bag.”

According to Casey's plan, the Reds have designated certain games where most or all of the runs would not be reflected in the team's score, but would instead be given to the residents of the St. Pia Zadora Golden Buckeye Retirement Community. The revelation of this program has explained several games this season where the number of Reds runs has seemed uncharacteristically low.

Lou S. Toole, director of the retirement community, reports that his guests have found the donations to be a relieving change of pace.

“These people, more than anyone I can imagine, really appreciate getting the runs,” said Toole.

Now that the Reds postseason hopes are officially gone, expect many more of the low-scoring affairs.

“It was hard to keep it inside for so long,” said Cincinnati slugger Adam Dunn of the secret charity program. “There was so much pressure. I just felt like I was going to burst. But it's been worth it to see the smiles on the faces of those retirees.”

CINCINNATI, OH -- For Aaron Holbert, who waited nine and a half years between his first and second major league appearances, almost every event is a major-league first. He recorded his first major-league hit on Friday. He recorded his first major-league start and RBI on Monday.

“Every time I turn around, people are talking about my first major-league something or other,” said Holbert. “This morning a reporter gave me the pencil he used to take notes in my first major-league interview, and this afternoon someone presented me with the plate that had held my first major-league turkey sandwich.”

Holbert doesn't want to know what will happen when people find out that he is developing his first major-league case of jock itch.

“It's getting to be a major-league pain in the ass,” said Holbert.

Griffey Could Become Baseball God
Ken Griffey Jr. has already been nominated for the Hank Aaron award, the Comeback Player of the Year Award, and talk has begun of Reds MVP. Add to his list of nominations the position of Baseball God.

“Everyone talks about the Baseball Gods,” said Griffey. “But I didn't realize that it was a real group.”

Griffey said the nomination, which appeared in a brilliant flash in his locker this afternoon, was a surprise, but teammates say it makes perfect sense.

“Really,” said Sean Casey. “A lot of what he's done this year as been nothing short of miraculous.”

As a Baseball God, Griffey would be responsible for knocking down anyone who got too cocky or self-important.

“Hey, Aurilia,” Griffey laughed. “Come over here a minute.”

Freel Celebrates Return
Ryan Freel celebrated his return from disabled list exile by playing a prank on the new guy today. Freel had nine and a half pizzas delivered to Holbert this afternoon, to represent the nine and a half years between his major league appearances.

When reminded that it was his first major-league prank, Holbert said, “Dammit!”

I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but when I started this holiday weekend I was still approaching Reds games with sincere optimism about the performance and a naïve hope that some sense of accomplishment could still be achieved this season.

Tonight, though, as I listened to the Reds give it up to the Brewers to the tune of 6-1, I realized that my defense mechanism has kicked in and I no longer suffer with my team. So, it's possible that the optimistic tone of things that you're used to around these parts may take a turn toward chiding sarcasm. The worse they stink, the more I laugh. Don't take it personally; I'm not making fun, not really. It's just that, for my own protection, my heart is now a secret garden, and the walls are very high.

One More Thing On The Bats
I forgot to mention yesterday that Chris Denorfia was not in the line-up for the Bats' game on Saturday after his crash into the center-field wall to end the Friday night game. He was up-and-around enough to play first-base coach for a couple innings, but I still wonder whether this has anything to do with why he hasn't been among the call-ups to this point.

Call-Ups
Speaking of call-ups, quite a night for Chris Booker and Allan Simpson tonight, huh? The two shared the top of the ninth inning and combined to double the opponent's score. Nice. Listening to Marty call these guys for the rest of the season ought to be a real treat.

Autographs For Charity
If you are heading to the game tomorrow night anyway, you might get there a little early and get your copy of Oh Say Can You Sing? autographed by Mr. Sean Casey. And here I thought I was being snarky when I suggested the same thing.

The story on CR:TOS identifies Casey as “one of four Major Leaguers featured” on the CD, which I find a little baffling, since there are 11 tracks on the CD each performed by a major leaguer. Even if you subtract Ozzie Smith for not being active, you still don't get four. Maybe the author is saying only four of them deserve to be in the majors.

In any event, it's a good cause, nice product, etc. Turn out early if you have an extra 25 bucks. Tell him the RHM sent you and enjoy the blank stare you get in return.

More Crap To Come
The long weekend is almost officially at an end, and as we look forward to the four-day work week, we also look forward to three more big opportunities for Cincinnati to provide me some laughs. Ought to be a good time.

Go Reds!

Just two days after I gave the Bats accolades for being the only team around who could pull together a late-inning rally, the Reds demonstrated their own abilities in that arena when Austin Kearns gave the Reds the lead in the twelfth inning, followed by Jason LaRue's pinch-hit grand slam to end the extra-inning madness with a Redlegs' win, 8-3.

I heard only the extra innings of today's game on the radio while I was out running errands like crazy on my holiday weekend. However, I did witness the very last home game for the Indianapolis Indians on Saturday night live and in person at Victory Field, as they lost 0-2 to the Louisville Bats.

Jimmy Serrano took the mound for the Bats, and despite the fact that I felt like he was constantly on the edge of losing it, my notes indicate he struck out six and walked three as he held the Indians scoreless through his five innings. Serrano touched 90 mph maybe once or twice, but we saw a whole lot in the middle 80s as he kept the Indians down, apparently with his hypnotic style and finesse.

Next was the treat of Allan Simpson in the sixth and seventh. It must have been a pretty big shock for the Indians to suddenly be on the receiving end of pitches in the mid-90s and ending up who-knows-where. In the sixth, Simpson walked two and struck out two before getting Jose Bautista to fly out to deep center field to end the inning. Simpson saw much more contact in the seventh with a couple infield outs, a single baserunner, and a fly ball to deep left field to finish out his evening.

Tom Shearn, whom I'd never heard of before and whom I did not actually see play because I was standing in line with Winter to spin the wheel and win a replica plastic bat larger than the child himself, took over in the eighth to retire three of four batters. Shearn was followed immediately by Chris Booker who likewise retired three of four to end the game 0-2 in the Bats' favor.

Today, the Indians went on to defeat Toledo 7-3 with a four-run 10th inning to clinch a post-season berth, but we'll be seeing a lot of the Bats a lot sooner than Pittsburgh will be seeing their counterparts. Which is a good thing for the Reds, who are going to need all the help they can get if they're going to continue pulling off these late-inning rallies.

It's nice to know that there's still one team in this organization that knows how to put together a late-inning rally.

I missed the 7-4 spanking the Reds took at the hands of the Braves last night in favor of watching the Indianapolis Indians squeak by the Louisville Bats 8-7. Justin Germano took the mound for the Bats, and I was very interested to see how the bounty the Reds got in exchange for Randa would fare against this solid Indianapolis team.

Though the Bats got off to the early 0-2 lead in the first inning thanks to RBI hits from Chris Denorfia and Alex Pelaez, Germano let the Indians score in each of the first four innings to lead it 5-2. The Indians appeared to have the game easily in hand, especially when they tacked on two more runs against Joe Valentine in the eighth inning to lead it 7-2.

Though the Bats had not scored since the first inning, they came into the top of the ninth looking to make things interesting. Lead-off man Jeff Bannon knocked a grounder that slid just past the third baseman to start things off. William Bergolla grounded out to third, but Pedro Swann immediately hit a home run to right field to score Bannon and himself. Denorfia walked and was then hit in by Eric Crozier's double to right field. Pelaez doubled to left field to bring in Crozier and the score was 7-6 in Indianapolis's favor. Boos poured down like rain.

Indians' pitcher Mark Corey faced his last batter of the evening when he intentionally walked A.J. Zapp, and then it was up to Brian Reith. Reith immediately gave up a center-field single to Miguel Perez, tying the game. Pinch hitter Steve Lomasney popped out to second base, and Bannon struck out in his second at-bat of the inning to end the threat.

Chris Booker came in to pitch the now-necessary bottom of the ninth. Booker's warm-up pitches were hitting 88 mph on the stadium radar, and the pitches he used to walk Cesar Crespo, the first Indians batter, were 93-94 mph. Ray Sadler popped up a horrible bunt that Booker hardly had to move to catch, and had Booker delivered a strike to first, he might have doubled off Crespo. Instead, he gave up a double off the center field wall to J.J. Fumaniak to bring in Crespo and end the game 8-7.

In pursuit of that final double, Denorfia smashed into the wall and did not get up for a while. Several of his teammates and a trainer went out to help him, but he left the field under his own power. He did appear to be limping at first, but was walking normally by the time he was passing the big screen where they were re-playing the video of him hitting the wall and crashing to the ground. Both the Indians' and Bats' game recaps do not mention the incident at all, so I can only assume that Denorfia is OK. I guess I'll find out when I see whether he's in the line-up for tonight's game as the Bats continue their effort to end the Indians' playoff hopes.