You know the series of Snickers commercials where guys who are hungry turn into women? There’s the guy playing a pickup football game who turns into Betty White until he has the candy bar, and the guy on a road trip with his friends who bitches like a diva (Aretha Franklin) until he satisfies his pangs.

That’s what came immediately to mind for me when I heard about Albert Pujols’ hissy fit last night over Nick Masset’s fist pump in celebration of inducing an inning-ending double play while Pujols was on base. That’s right, Masset didn’t point and laugh, didn’t stick out his tongue, didn’t even stare the guy down. Pujols apparently just thinks it’s offensive for anyone to be pleased they did well, though apparently it’s fine for him to get his feelings all hurt over it. It’s such wussy bitching that I figure the slugger had to have been hungry after the rain delay.

Which, I think, could make an excellent continuation of the series of Snickers commercials. Here’s how I see it going:

A co-ed beer-league softball team, all wearing matching company t-shirts, is on the field. Albert Pujols steps up the plate and takes an underhand pitch that the ump calls a strike. He screams at the ump and falls on the ground, throwing a tantrum.

Teammate on first base: C’mon, Danny! You’re crying like Albert Pujols out there!
Coach: Here Danny, eat this.
Batter: But that was a BALL!
Coach: Just eat it, you little bitch.
Batter:
Coach: Better?
Batter: (turned back into a normal person) Better.

Batter goes back to the plate and participates in the meaningless game without getting all huffy and self-important about it.

I think it could be a big money-maker. I know it would inspire *me* to buy more Snickers, if only to mail them to Pujols.

That without Mark McGwire, and then Albert Pujols, no one would think he was all that? Dave Duncan is the real managing might on this team. I’d like to see what he could do with the Reds pitching staff.

Boxscore

The Cincinnati Reds finished their sweep of the Astros last night, behind a solid effort from Bronson Arroyo.

Arroyo pitched 6 2/3 innings, allowing 2 runs, both earned. He picked up his first win of the year, joining fellow starters Mike Leake and Aaron Harang with victories. At this rate, the entire starting rotation will have victories in a week’s time!

The scoring came from home runs from Joey Votto and Jay Bruce. Bruce has been on a nice little tear lately, and Joey Votto is Joey Votto. Vottomatic, I believe, is the term we’re looking for.

This win gets the Reds to .500. Plus, it marks the second time in history that the Reds have tagged Roy Oswalt with a loss. The only other Reds pitcher to do that? How could you forget the Pickle, Brandon Claussen?

The team is 3-0 since manager Dusty Baker reorganized the lineup into a form much closer to the ideal. It’s probably not just the lineup changes, though, as much as I may want moving shortstop Orlando Cabrera out of the 2-hole to be the sole reason for their success. No, this streak coincided with finally getting good starting pitching and playing the terrible, terrible Houston Astros.

Still, this should give the team confidence as they head to Missouri to face the St. Louis Cardinals. A sweep of them, and the Reds would not only be over .500, but 1 game behind the Cardinals in the standings!

According to LikeMe.net, when Bronson Arroyo is not busy perfecting his sweet grunge guitar licks, he’s hanging out at the Lodge Bar or the Waffle House (“When my boys come to visit me, we get up on four hours of sleep and I force them to go to Waffle House,” he says. Presumably this happens around 11:30 a.m.)

Check out his recommendations for yourself here:
http://www.likeme.net/users/BronsonArroyo/recommendations

And definitely let me know if you run into him at Shanghai Mama’s.