May 21, 2007

Narron Fired; Harding Is New Reds Manager

The Cincinnati Reds today announced that they have fired manager Jerry Narron and hired former Olympics star Tanya Harding as his replacement.

Reds’ owner Bob Castellini indicated that the inspiration for the move was supplied by Tony LaRussa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, a team with which Castellini was involved prior to purchasing the Reds. Castellini noted that in the aftermath of the death of Cardinals (and former Reds) pitcher Josh Hancock, LaRussa warned his players about members of the media looking for negative stories about Hancock’s death and said, “The first time I hear insincerity, I’m going to start swinging this fungo.”

In light of the Reds’ poor start this season, Castellini said, “We decided that we needed a leader cut from the same cloth as Tony LaRussa, someone who is not afraid to swing a fungo if that’s what it takes to get the job done.”

Harding is best known for an incident in January, 1994 when she was involved in a plot to injure rival figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. Reds GM Wayne Krivsky explained, “What happened there was that Tanya’s ex-husband hired a guy to clank Kerrigan’s knee with a police baton. This was roughly the same time Tanya gained managerial experience, appearing in USA Pro Wrestling as manager for wrestler Art Barr.” Krivsky noted Harding’s lifelong involvement in athletics, including her managerial experience and her exploits in celebrity boxing and women’s professional boxing earlier in this decade. “She’s got a 3-3 record as a pro boxer. She saved a woman’s life in 1996, using mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to revive an 81-year old woman who collapsed in a bar in Portland, Oregon. She’s shown that she plays the game the right way.”

Castellini was less subtle concerning the impact he hopes Harding’s hiring will have on the Reds. “We’re just tired of the same guys beating us all the time, it’s time we did some beating of our own. Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman best be looking over their shoulders, because Tanya and her fungo will be around. The same goes for Bill Hall - one good clank on the knee from Tanya and that’s one less Reds killer we have to worry about.”

Asked later if that also applied to Ted Lilly of the Cubs, Krivsky offered, “I’d say that it certainly might. We’ll have to wait and see. It’s early yet. Certainly, Lilly is a guy who has shown signs of being the type of player we would like to have Tanya address. But I’ll leave those decisions to the manager.”

The Reds also announced that Edwin Encarnación was being recalled from Louisville and would start at third base in the series opener against the Washington Nationals. “We won’t have any more problems with guys staying in the batter’s box after the ball is hit,” Castellini said, “Nobody is going to want to be a stationary target with Tanya around. We expect to see guys hustling from now on. This should show the fans we were serious when we said we would do whatever we had to do to bring championship baseball back to Cincinnati.”

1 comment to “Narron Fired; Harding Is New Reds Manager”

  1. Red Hot Mama says:

    What a surprise to load up Red Hot Mama and see fake news I didn’t write. But a good surprise! Thanks, I needed a laugh. :laugh: