September 26, 2014
Posted at 2:08 pm
The Cincinnati Reds announced the extension of General Manager Walt Jocketty’s contract for at least next season yesterday. Many are wondering how someone who hasn’t done anything that improved the club in almost two years could have been renewed so easily. Thankfully, a mole inside the club leaked us the following transcript of an interview between Jocketty, CEO Bob Castellini, and Director of Media Relations Rob Butcher from before the extension.
Walt: Hi, Bob. Rob.
Rob: Why don’t you grab a seat and join us for a minute?
Bob: We’re just trying to get a feel for how people spend their day. So, if you would, would you just walk us through a typical day for you?
Walt: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. I use the Hall of Fame entrance, so no one sees me. Uh, and after that, I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Rob: Space out?
Walt: I just stare at my desk but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too. I’d say, in a given week, I do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.
Bob: Would you be a good sport and indulge us and tell us a little more?
Walt: The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy. It’s just that I just don’t care.
Rob: Don’t, don’t care?
Walt: It’s a problem of motivation. Now, if I work my ass off and the Reds win a few more games, I don’t see another dime. So where’s the motivation? And here’s another thing, Bob. I have four different bosses right now!
Walt: Four, Bob. You, of course, Bryan, the fans, and somehow Dusty still tells me when I’ve screwed up. So that means when I make a mistake, I have four different groups coming by to tell me about it. That’s my real motivation – is not to be hassled. That and the fear of losing my job, but y’know, Bob, that will only make someone work hard enough not to get fired.
Bob: Bear with me for a minute.
Bob: Believe me, this is hypothetical. But what if you were offered some kind of stock option and equity sharing program?
Walt: Sure, I guess.
Bob: One thing, before we’re done. It looks like you’ve been missing a lot of trades lately.
Walt: I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing them. Y’know, trades take a good three hours to make, and like I said, I only put in about 15 minutes of work a week.
Rob: Sure. I think that we’re finished here.
Bob: We’ll get back to you in a few days.
[Noise as Walt gets up and leaves.]
Rob: What a straight shooter.
Bob: Definitely. I think our problem is we haven’t challenged him enough to get him really motivated.
Rob: I agree.
Bob: What he needs is at least another year.
So there you have it. That’s what led the Reds to extend Jocketty. And I think with another year of doing nothing, the Reds can achieve a second, consecutive fourth-place finish. Heck, they might even be able to wrest last place from the hands of the Cubs.
August 21, 2014
Posted at 8:11 pm
You have to go to international waters even if you have implied oral consent.
CINCINNATI – At 7:10 p.m. ET today, Cincinnati Reds baseball fans faced a difficult choice: turn to the game or continue watching the 2-week marathon of every episode of The Simpsons on FXX.
“Dead Pudding Society” was playing when the game started, and some fans found they couldn’t tear themselves away.
“I haven’t seen a rerun of Bart and Todd Flanders going head-to-head in putt-putt in at least a couple months,” explained dedicated fan Mike Rotch, “but I feel like I’ve seen the same Reds’ game over and over every night for a week.”
Thanks to injuries and a postponed game, the Reds find themselves even more short-staffed. Substitute pitcher David Holmberg started the opening game in the series against the Atlanta Braves. “Bart Versus Thanksgiving” (the one where Bart destroys Lisa’s Thanksgiving centerpiece) wasn’t even over before Holmberg had given up the first run.
“The Simpsons marathon lasts 12 days, but the Reds are already 10 games back,” said Rotch. “I guess I’m just ready for a little break from my regular entertainment.”
August 15, 2014
Posted at 4:10 pm
Jocketty after shaving the beard from his long sleep.
CINCINNATI – A local man who slept through the last 20 months is being touted as a modern-day Rip Van Winkle.
Walt Jocketty (63), who works as the General Manager for the Cincinnati Reds, was discovered snoozing under a hedge high in the Walnut Hills last night. He’s been missing since December 2012, shortly after he completed a trade for Shin-Soo Choo.
“There’s instant replay in baseball now?” said a confused Jocketty. “Did I sleep through hell freezing over, too?” Hell may not be frozen, but fans of the Reds felt Jocketty’s absence at last year’s Winter’s Meetings, as well as at the last two trade deadlines.
“I just can’t believe Albert Pujols is good again,” said Jocketty. “I can’t wrap my head around Adam Dunn being a pitcher. I’m freaking out.”
The Reds have hired a counselor to help Jocketty reintegrate into society after such a long sabbatical. They’re also launching an investigation into how the team could go without a General Manager for so long without anyone noticing or doing anything about it.
“I admit I thought it was weird when we didn’t deal Simon at the deadline,” said team owner Bob Castellini, “I should have actually checked whether Walt was at his desk.”
Posted in Fake News Stories
Comments Off on Rip Van Jocketty wakes up after 20 months
July 31, 2014
Posted at 11:59 am
SECAUCUS, N.J — MLB Network has partnered with CNN to cover trade rumors and news during 31 hours of live studio programming leading up to today’s 4:00 p.m. ET non-waiver trade deadline.
>>BREAKING NEWS: The Cincinnati Reds have traded left fielder Ryan Ludwick to St. Louis for catcher Yadier Molina.
In exchange for content to help fill the 24-hour news cycle, CNN is making available its Situation Room and holographic simulation technology for the extensive trade deadline coverage.
>>BREAKING NEWS: Almost 4% of Reds fans support the trade of Ludwick for injured Molina.
“We’re going to see what it’s really like for these heroes on the front-office: constantly searching for another cup of coffee, never sure when their cell phone battery is going to give out,” said Wolf Blitzer. “Full-scale simulations of their office desks and laptop computers will really put the viewers in the middle of the action.”
>>BREAKING NEWS: Experts say the Molina trade will boost the burgeoning tech sector in St. Louis.
MLB Analyst Peter Gammons will be pocket tweeting his reactions to trades as they happen, and MLB Network insider Ken Rosenthal will have a live camera positioned inside his offices at MLB Network throughout the day. “You’ll be able to tell my confidence in the trade rumors I’m discussing based on the color of my bow tie,” said Rosenthal. “Red means it’s a long shot, yellow means it could happen, and green polka dots means it’s a sure thing.”
>>BREAKING NEWS: The previously announced Ludwick/Molina trade was incorrectly reported. It turns out we just overheard some guys at a BW3 talking about what would be the stupidest trade possible and we ran with it.
MLB Network expects the coverage to be a booming success and is in talks with James Earl Jones to record a “This is MLB Network” stinger.
Posted in Fake News Stories
Comments Off on MLB Network partners with CNN for deadline coverage
July 25, 2014
Posted at 12:12 pm
Frazier will be leading off, followed by the rest of his Little League teammates. (Image source.)
CINCINNATI – Third baseman Todd Frazier is calling on some old friends to help the fragmented and foundering Reds find their legs.
Frazier was famously a member of Toms River East American All-Stars, the team that won the Little League World Series in 1998. This week he put in some calls to get the gang back together.
“When in doubt, go back to basics,” said manager Bryan Price. “We have a heck of a lot of doubt right now, and I can’t think of anything more basic than little league, so I say we give these guys a shot.”
In a scene right out of “The Replacements,” one by one a college pitching coach, a QA analyst, a mechanical engineer, and a graphic designer each reported for duty.
“At least two of these guys played well into their late teens,” said Frazier, “And they all have miles and miles of heart.”
“I’m wiry,” said little league second baseman Joe Franceschini.
If Frazier succeeds in filling the General Manager void, he says he’ll consider filling more front-office positions. “Tommy’s dad is a lawyer,” said Frazier, “so he could always help with the contracts.”