Blog Archives

July 31, 2014

MLB Network partners with CNN for deadline coverage

SECAUCUS, N.J — MLB Network has partnered with CNN to cover trade rumors and news during 31 hours of live studio programming leading up to today’s 4:00 p.m. ET non-waiver trade deadline.

This is MLB>>BREAKING NEWS: The Cincinnati Reds have traded left fielder Ryan Ludwick to St. Louis for catcher Yadier Molina.

In exchange for content to help fill the 24-hour news cycle, CNN is making available its Situation Room and holographic simulation technology for the extensive trade deadline coverage.

This is MLB>>BREAKING NEWS: Almost 4% of Reds fans support the trade of Ludwick for injured Molina.

“We’re going to see what it’s really like for these heroes on the front-office: constantly searching for another cup of coffee, never sure when their cell phone battery is going to give out,” said Wolf Blitzer. “Full-scale simulations of their office desks and laptop computers will really put the viewers in the middle of the action.”

This is MLB>>BREAKING NEWS: Experts say the Molina trade will boost the burgeoning tech sector in St. Louis.

MLB Analyst Peter Gammons will be pocket tweeting his reactions to trades as they happen, and MLB Network insider Ken Rosenthal will have a live camera positioned inside his offices at MLB Network throughout the day. “You’ll be able to tell my confidence in the trade rumors I’m discussing based on the color of my bow tie,” said Rosenthal. “Red means it’s a long shot, yellow means it could happen, and green polka dots means it’s a sure thing.”

This is MLB>>BREAKING NEWS: The previously announced Ludwick/Molina trade was incorrectly reported. It turns out we just overheard some guys at a BW3 talking about what would be the stupidest trade possible and we ran with it.

MLB Network expects the coverage to be a booming success and is in talks with James Earl Jones to record a “This is MLB Network” stinger.

July 25, 2014

Former Tween Stars to Bail Out Redlegs

The new Reds lineup

Frazier will be leading off, followed by the rest of his Little League teammates. (Image source.)

CINCINNATI – Third baseman Todd Frazier is calling on some old friends to help the fragmented and foundering Reds find their legs.

Frazier was famously a member of Toms River East American All-Stars, the team that won the Little League World Series in 1998. This week he put in some calls to get the gang back together.

“When in doubt, go back to basics,” said manager Bryan Price. “We have a heck of a lot of doubt right now, and I can’t think of anything more basic than little league, so I say we give these guys a shot.”

In a scene right out of “The Replacements,” one by one a college pitching coach, a QA analyst, a mechanical engineer, and a graphic designer each reported for duty.

“At least two of these guys played well into their late teens,” said Frazier, “And they all have miles and miles of heart.”

“I’m wiry,” said little league second baseman Joe Franceschini.

If Frazier succeeds in filling the General Manager void, he says he’ll consider filling more front-office positions. “Tommy’s dad is a lawyer,” said Frazier, “so he could always help with the contracts.”

April 1, 2011

Arroyo succumbs to Gulf Oil Toxicity, Reds Press Onwards

Today was a nice win, but it doesn’t blot out the shining weakness that was a strength just a few weeks ago: the starting pitching. Volquez, as #1 starter is expected to absorb something like 220 innings. How is he going to do that when his pitch count is usually in the mid 50s by the 3rd inning?

Bronson Arroyo (he of the golden hair and rubber arm) is struggling with some kind of upper respiratory problem that had doctors scratching their heads, leading to tests. Inititally the tests were for something bizarre called ‘Valley Fever’ but then suddenly the much more well-known Mononucleosis (aka Mono) became the final prognosis. If you know Bronson like I know him, you know he is on his yacht during the offseason, somewhere in the Flordia Keys or thereabouts.

Bronson, as an athlete, is unfortunately insulated from independent news outlets such as this one. He probably relies on getting his information from the Main Stream Media aka MSM. That can be deadly. The MSM will have you believe the Oil Spill is a thing of the past and you can eat Atlantic Lobster at $9.99/lb. Nevermind the countless independent reports citing oil just beneath the sand, of insane amounts of aerial Corexit spraying, and of vast die-offs of marine life. So forgive me for thinking that Bronson maybe inhaled some of this poisonous vapor cocktail while patroling about on the SS Curveball.

The good news is that he is under treatment and out of that toxic environment. If anything, Arroyo has proven to be a resilient character having never touched the DL as a Red, if memory serves me correctly.

Nontheless one must be concerned at the state of the starting pitching staff. Arroyo is recuperating from illness, Cueto has a mystery arm ailment, and Volquez can’t keep his pitch count at reasonable levels to last deep into a ballgame. I almost forgot that Homer Bailey is gone for an unspecified time period, and is not even throwing a ball these days.

The good news is the Aroldis Chapman is lurking in the shadows. You’d think this would be the opportune time to stretch him out as a long reliever and prepare a transition to the starting rotatation. Things would be looking mighty good at that point and might even have Pete Rose looking more cheerful than this:

Pete Rose Transcendent Outfit

As always, be sure to stockpile food, water, firearms, gold and silver coins, and alternative medicines…. and like that old cop on Hill Street Blues used to say: “Stay Safe Out There.”


THC REED Contributing Writer

December 28, 2010

Redsland Craigslist

2009 Gold Glove, just UPGRADED to new model – $4444 (CINCINNATI) img clothing & accessories

acoustic grunge guitar lessons. U bring ur own acoustic grunge guitar – $12/hr – lessons

“Wacky” social network writer to toe company line – (Redsland) help wanted

WANTED: fans who have been in a coma since 2006 – (CINCY/LOUISVILLE) pic redemption

“top heavy” lady wants to “get away from it all” esp baseball heads and furry red monsters – (Cincy) pic w4w

to the OC: I used to hate how you blocked me, but now I’ll kind of miss it. – (Cincinnati) missed connection

1 first-place MVP vote to complete the set – (Last seen in ST LOUIS) pic hardware
October 11, 2010

MVP Exchange Rate to Determine Award

CINCINNATI – Cincinnati Reds’ first baseman Joey Votto appears to be a shoo-in for the National League Most Valuable Player award, but many don’t realize the important role the exchange rate plays in the decision.

“It’s tougher for a Canadian in this sport,” said Minnesota Twins’ Justin Morneau. “Not only do we have to be 1.01422 times the player of an American to be noticed, but we’re also relentlessly subjected to lumberjack jokes.”

Despite the iniquity, things are better today than they were just a few years ago for citizens of the Great White North. As recently as 2002, a United States player (USP) was worth one and a half Canadian players (CAP). Things have been much different since 2008, thanks to a soft USP.

“Five years ago things were even worse, eh?” said New York Mets’ outfielder and British Columbia native Jason Bay. “You’d think that no one would really care about the Home Run Derby, but you’d be wrong, hoser. Try not hitting any and see how your exchange rate drops.”

Baseball macroeconomists cite the undervalued Chinese player, pegged to the USP at 0.14988 as playing a role in this changing baseball economy, but most people don’t really understand what that has to do with anything.

“I saw that Votto play,” said Chicago Cubs’ starting pitcher Ryan Dempster. “When I wasn’t busy listening to Alanis Morisette and Glass Tiger. He’s definitely worth 1.01422 times the best American player out there.”

Most agree with Dempster. The real question is whether the beat writers can avoid choking on all these stale Canadian stereotypes long enough to do the math: how a whole season of Canadian Votto compare to one month of Venezuelan Carlos González with an exchange rate of 1:4,240.11.