Blog Archives

April 1, 2011

Arroyo succumbs to Gulf Oil Toxicity, Reds Press Onwards

Today was a nice win, but it doesn’t blot out the shining weakness that was a strength just a few weeks ago: the starting pitching. Volquez, as #1 starter is expected to absorb something like 220 innings. How is he going to do that when his pitch count is usually in the mid 50s by the 3rd inning?

Bronson Arroyo (he of the golden hair and rubber arm) is struggling with some kind of upper respiratory problem that had doctors scratching their heads, leading to tests. Inititally the tests were for something bizarre called ‘Valley Fever’ but then suddenly the much more well-known Mononucleosis (aka Mono) became the final prognosis. If you know Bronson like I know him, you know he is on his yacht during the offseason, somewhere in the Flordia Keys or thereabouts.

Bronson, as an athlete, is unfortunately insulated from independent news outlets such as this one. He probably relies on getting his information from the Main Stream Media aka MSM. That can be deadly. The MSM will have you believe the Oil Spill is a thing of the past and you can eat Atlantic Lobster at $9.99/lb. Nevermind the countless independent reports citing oil just beneath the sand, of insane amounts of aerial Corexit spraying, and of vast die-offs of marine life. So forgive me for thinking that Bronson maybe inhaled some of this poisonous vapor cocktail while patroling about on the SS Curveball.

The good news is that he is under treatment and out of that toxic environment. If anything, Arroyo has proven to be a resilient character having never touched the DL as a Red, if memory serves me correctly.

Nontheless one must be concerned at the state of the starting pitching staff. Arroyo is recuperating from illness, Cueto has a mystery arm ailment, and Volquez can’t keep his pitch count at reasonable levels to last deep into a ballgame. I almost forgot that Homer Bailey is gone for an unspecified time period, and is not even throwing a ball these days.

The good news is the Aroldis Chapman is lurking in the shadows. You’d think this would be the opportune time to stretch him out as a long reliever and prepare a transition to the starting rotatation. Things would be looking mighty good at that point and might even have Pete Rose looking more cheerful than this:

Pete Rose Transcendent Outfit

As always, be sure to stockpile food, water, firearms, gold and silver coins, and alternative medicines…. and like that old cop on Hill Street Blues used to say: “Stay Safe Out There.”


THC REED Contributing Writer

December 28, 2010

Redsland Craigslist

2009 Gold Glove, just UPGRADED to new model – $4444 (CINCINNATI) img clothing & accessories

acoustic grunge guitar lessons. U bring ur own acoustic grunge guitar – $12/hr – lessons

“Wacky” social network writer to toe company line – (Redsland) help wanted

WANTED: fans who have been in a coma since 2006 – (CINCY/LOUISVILLE) pic redemption

“top heavy” lady wants to “get away from it all” esp baseball heads and furry red monsters – (Cincy) pic w4w

to the OC: I used to hate how you blocked me, but now I’ll kind of miss it. – (Cincinnati) missed connection

1 first-place MVP vote to complete the set – (Last seen in ST LOUIS) pic hardware
October 11, 2010

MVP Exchange Rate to Determine Award

CINCINNATI – Cincinnati Reds’ first baseman Joey Votto appears to be a shoo-in for the National League Most Valuable Player award, but many don’t realize the important role the exchange rate plays in the decision.

“It’s tougher for a Canadian in this sport,” said Minnesota Twins’ Justin Morneau. “Not only do we have to be 1.01422 times the player of an American to be noticed, but we’re also relentlessly subjected to lumberjack jokes.”

Despite the iniquity, things are better today than they were just a few years ago for citizens of the Great White North. As recently as 2002, a United States player (USP) was worth one and a half Canadian players (CAP). Things have been much different since 2008, thanks to a soft USP.

“Five years ago things were even worse, eh?” said New York Mets’ outfielder and British Columbia native Jason Bay. “You’d think that no one would really care about the Home Run Derby, but you’d be wrong, hoser. Try not hitting any and see how your exchange rate drops.”

Baseball macroeconomists cite the undervalued Chinese player, pegged to the USP at 0.14988 as playing a role in this changing baseball economy, but most people don’t really understand what that has to do with anything.

“I saw that Votto play,” said Chicago Cubs’ starting pitcher Ryan Dempster. “When I wasn’t busy listening to Alanis Morisette and Glass Tiger. He’s definitely worth 1.01422 times the best American player out there.”

Most agree with Dempster. The real question is whether the beat writers can avoid choking on all these stale Canadian stereotypes long enough to do the math: how a whole season of Canadian Votto compare to one month of Venezuelan Carlos González with an exchange rate of 1:4,240.11.

October 29, 2009

72,000 Cincinnati Fans to be Charged Retroactively using New Hate Crimes Bill Legislation

Shocking news from the Attorney General’s office in Washington, DC today, the day after President Obama signed the Hate Crimes Bill. Apparently the law will be retroactively applied to those guilty of spewing hateful speech on the internet, and specifically targeted will be frustrated Cincinnati Reds fans who spent the better part of the past two seasons hurling insults at three African American characters with questionable sexual orientation, namely Corey Patterson, Willy Taveras, and Dusty Baker.

The wide criminal probe is focusing on Reds blogs such as Reds Reporter, Redleg Nation, John Fay, and a peculiar outfit known as Red Hot Mama which may be guilty of additional charges such as extreme sarcasm and impersonating a sports broadcaster with artificial intelligence, a new cyber crimes violation that is widely unknown in the blog-o-sphere.

“We must stand against crimes that are meant not only to break bones, but to break spirits — not only to inflict harm, but to instill fear,” said Obama at a White House reception Wednesday commemorating the signing of the bill, which he signed earlier in the day as part of the $680 billion defense authorization bill.

Typical comments by Cincinnati yokels were along the lines that Dusty Baker is a moron who should choke on his toothpick and die. Wishing painful death upon someone is clearly prohibited in the New Hate Bill legislation.

Or the widespread suggestion that Corey Patterson “has the goods” on his manager in order to secure his position and role of leadoff batter, clearly connotates sexual blackmail, another violation of the Hate Crime Bill.

“Saying that Willy Taveras should be traded for a bowl of Skyline Chili is simply unacceptable overstatement and derogotory of his true value as a pinch runner,” said Attorney General Eric Holder at a press conference announcing his intention to prosecute Hate Crimes vigorously and intensely. “We will leave no stone unturned in the course of our investigation,” Holder continued. “If it means an empty Great American Ball Park next season: so be it. I’m a Cardinals fan anyways.”

Chris Sabo’s Goggles will surely be under investigation for posting the following digitally manipulated image on his blog:

The Attorney General would not say specifically when warrants would be issued or when the indictments would begin, but one thing remains certain: Cincinnati fans are in trouble and should seek political asylum immediately if they ever shouted something rude during a baseball game or at their tv set when a neighbor was within earshot, or worse, if they posted their ill-conceived criticism in a blog post or message forum in public view.

We’ll report more on this story as it develops. In the meantime stock up on ammunition, firearms, and storeable food. And whatever you do please do not take the Swine Flu Vaccination.

October 20, 2009

ALCS Umps Save Drunks from Disapproving Glares

bw3_lineANAHEIM, CA — The officiating crew in the Yankees-Angels series has been making some bad calls. But it’s not because they are bad at their jobs: it’s to save 30 barflies from having to face their families.

“When I have a decision to make,” said Jerry Layne, home plate umpire at tonight’s game, “I use my direct line to the Buffalo Wild Wings (BW3) in Humptulips, Washington to find out if the guys there want me to make the game longer or shorter.”

“They always say, ‘We don’t want to go home yet.’ I think they must have really sad home lives,” said Layne.

Despite multiple bad calls in tonight’s game, the Yankees won authoritatively.

“We try to give them some extra innings when we can–to keep their old ladies off their backs for a little while longer. It just wasn’t meant to be tonight.”