Blog Archives

July 31, 2009

Androstenedione Side Effects

SILVER SPRING, MD – The FDA this morning released a report containing previously unknown side effects of the drug Androstenedione.

Androstenedione is an anabolic steroid precursor; it is a steroid that does not itself cause muscle growth, but can be converted by the body into such a steroid. Known side effects of the drug included testicular atrophy, impotence, and the development of female characteristics such as breast enlargement.

The newly discovered side effects of the drug include unusually long hair growth, a predisposition to wear corn rows, and tendency to play shitty grunge guitar. Other rare but serious side effects, such as abnormally strong attachments to particular catchers, are still being investigated.

Upon hearing the story, Cincinnati Reds starting pitcher Bronson Arroyo told reporters, “well that explains a lot.”

May 21, 2009

Dodgers to Educate Female Fans Tonight

LOS ANGELES – The Dodgers plan to win over a huge percentage of the female market tonight when they air a broadcast that explains simple baseball terms in a way even a woman can understand.

The “DodgersWIN broadcast” came from a team initiative to draw in more women fans. Jeanne Zelasko, who broke into the business on the Fox pregame show, will do play-by-play with Dodger assistant coach Mark Sweeny providing color.

“I like to look at our broadcast as we’re not afraid to explain something most people might take for granted,” Zelasko said.

One specific example occurred during a recent run through when Sweeney made references to the “six hole,” Zelasko said.

“I knew what it meant, but I wanted to make sure he knew, ‘Mark, tell people what you mean.’ It’s the sixth spot in the lineup,” Zelasko told City News Service.

Using more transparent language in every broadcast, not just the special women’s broadcast, would raise the quality of the reporting and make the sport more accessible to all new fans, not just women. But the idea was shot down in embarrassment.

“What if science journalists had to use layman’s terms when talking about CERN? What if White House correspondents had to explain who Mona Sutphen or Rahm Emanuel are?” said Dodger CEO Jamie McCourt with a derisive laugh.

The broadcast will be available only from the Dodgers’ website and only for Wednesday games at night at home.

“We think that women with no existing interest in baseball will definitely mark their calendars to remind themselves to stop what they’re doing, log on to our website every other Wednesday, and sit with rapt attention while we exhaustively explain to them what the “six-hole” is,” said Zelasko.

“This is how we make baseball accessible and fun.”

“This will make all the difference to me,” said Heirmie Roar, a soccer mom in the LA area. “The fact that players are talked about like machines rather than humans isn’t a problem, and the shortage of women on the field and in the booth is actually a plus. I’ve been more than willing to let my responsibilities at work and home pile up while I sit in front of a three-hour game, but no matter what I do, I just can’t seem to remember what a ‘six-hole’ is.”

McCourt says this affects, “Even women who have been watching baseball for years. Women just don’t have the capacity to pick up the vernacular, and that’s the only reason we can think of for why they’re not fans.”

August 13, 2007

General Manager to Join Presidential Administration

WASHINGTON, DC -- Cincinnati Reds general manager Wayne Krivsky will become a member of the Bush administration, said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow in a press conference this afternoon.

“Mr. Krivsky's ability to keep even the most mundane details secret are a good match for this administration,” explained Snow. Krivsky is well known among Reds fans and the media for “playing close to the vest” when it comes to team activities, especially potential trades.

“Sometimes, it seems like even he doesn't know what's going on,” continued Snow. “And we like that.”

Like the Bush administration, Krivsky's approval rating is not as high as it once was, though he remains quite popular with some very wealthy Americans. Reds' owner Bob Castellini likes him very well, as do many other teams' owners and general managers, though for different reasons.

It's also likely that the success of moves such as the deal to trade Austin Kearns and Felipe Lopez impressed the President.

“The fact that he sent them to Washington shows where his loyalties lie,” said Snow.

August 1, 2007

Adam and Austin Go to White Castle

WASHINGTON, DC - A year has passed since the long-time friends Adam Dunn (CIN left field) and Austin Kearns (WAS right field) were separated by a trade. This week’s series between the Reds and the Nationals allowed the two to reminisce on old times, swap parenting tips, and hit their favorite restaurant: White Castle.

“[Washington Manager Manny] Acta gave me extra fielding,” said Kearns, “but I just told him 'As a matter of facta, I'm busy'.”

“Actually, I was the one to convince Kearnsy to hit the town anyway,” explained Dunn. “I told him to bring his mitt and we'd see what we could shag along the way,” he said with a wink. The two piled into Kearns’s car and took off for the nearest Slyders they could find.

The duo had been driving for 30 minutes when they heard on the radio that there was a tiger on the loose, but they didn’t have long to worry about it before their car broke down. “Thankfully Freak Show stopped to help us,” said Kearns of Danny Graves, who happened to be out for a jog and helped fix the car. “Too bad he left his hot wife at home.”

As the three once-teammates continued to White Castle, they noticed a celebrity hitchhiker. He was a guy famous nationally and internationally for playing the part of the child prodigy: Ken Griffey, Jr. The former Reds’ outfield was together again.

Before long, though, Griffey was itching to pick up some fishing poles he’d ordered (“Best hookers in town!”) and some cola (“I need some Coke!”) and, as a practical joke, he took Kearns’s car and left the pair on the side of the road. That’s when they ran across the tiger that they’d heard about on the radio.

“It was pretty tense,” said Dunn, recounting the scene, “But then we saw it was just Sean Casey and we knew everything was all right, if progressively less plausible.” Casey, the nicest guy in baseball, offered to carry the guys on his back the rest of the way to the restaurant.

Finally they arrived and ordered an enormous meal before the four millionaires discovered that they’d all forgotten their wallets. Thankfully, that’s when Griffey appeared with Kearns’s car, high as a kite over his hookers and Coke, and ready to pay for dinner after his little joke.

“It was sort of a dick move on my part,” said Griffey.

May 21, 2007

Narron Fired; Harding Is New Reds Manager

The Cincinnati Reds today announced that they have fired manager Jerry Narron and hired former Olympics star Tanya Harding as his replacement.

Reds’ owner Bob Castellini indicated that the inspiration for the move was supplied by Tony LaRussa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, a team with which Castellini was involved prior to purchasing the Reds. Castellini noted that in the aftermath of the death of Cardinals (and former Reds) pitcher Josh Hancock, LaRussa warned his players about members of the media looking for negative stories about Hancock’s death and said, “The first time I hear insincerity, I’m going to start swinging this fungo.”

In light of the Reds’ poor start this season, Castellini said, “We decided that we needed a leader cut from the same cloth as Tony LaRussa, someone who is not afraid to swing a fungo if that’s what it takes to get the job done.”

Harding is best known for an incident in January, 1994 when she was involved in a plot to injure rival figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. Reds GM Wayne Krivsky explained, “What happened there was that Tanya’s ex-husband hired a guy to clank Kerrigan’s knee with a police baton. This was roughly the same time Tanya gained managerial experience, appearing in USA Pro Wrestling as manager for wrestler Art Barr.” Krivsky noted Harding’s lifelong involvement in athletics, including her managerial experience and her exploits in celebrity boxing and women’s professional boxing earlier in this decade. “She’s got a 3-3 record as a pro boxer. She saved a woman’s life in 1996, using mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to revive an 81-year old woman who collapsed in a bar in Portland, Oregon. She’s shown that she plays the game the right way.”

Castellini was less subtle concerning the impact he hopes Harding’s hiring will have on the Reds. “We’re just tired of the same guys beating us all the time, it’s time we did some beating of our own. Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman best be looking over their shoulders, because Tanya and her fungo will be around. The same goes for Bill Hall - one good clank on the knee from Tanya and that’s one less Reds killer we have to worry about.”

Asked later if that also applied to Ted Lilly of the Cubs, Krivsky offered, “I’d say that it certainly might. We’ll have to wait and see. It’s early yet. Certainly, Lilly is a guy who has shown signs of being the type of player we would like to have Tanya address. But I’ll leave those decisions to the manager.”

The Reds also announced that Edwin Encarnación was being recalled from Louisville and would start at third base in the series opener against the Washington Nationals. “We won’t have any more problems with guys staying in the batter’s box after the ball is hit,” Castellini said, “Nobody is going to want to be a stationary target with Tanya around. We expect to see guys hustling from now on. This should show the fans we were serious when we said we would do whatever we had to do to bring championship baseball back to Cincinnati.”