Daily Archives: December 14, 2005

December 14, 2005

Ray King Kong: Eighth Wonder of the World

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Colorado Rockies' reliever Ray King made his silver screen debut today with the release of the much anticipated remake of King Kong.

Ray King Kong: The Eighth Wonder of the World

King, who plays the title simian, says he can identify with the beast. “In some ways, I'm like King Kong,” said King. “People say I'm too big, or that I'm too dangerous. It's true that I'm strong and powerful, but really I'm just a big softy.”

King joins such baseball players as Drake Hogestyn (Days of Our Lives) in making the switch to acting. King said it was a natural transition.

“All those extras in the street yelling and jeering at me when I was up on the building,” explained King. “It was just like being on the mound.”

Donkey Kong: Get Dunn-kyKing Kong is expected to gross King's 2005 salary of $1,850,000 in about 15 minutes, and promises to pave the way for future cross-media opportunities for other athletes.

In related news, the Cincinnati Reds' Adam Dunn has just signed a lucrative deal with Nintendo to re-release one of their most popular and recognizable titles. Donkey Kong: Get Dunn-ky is expected in stores for Christmas 2006.

December 14, 2005

Release His Inner Hotness

imageNow, I'm not the biggest Dunn fan in the world. I'm pretty much bored by home runs, and I've always been mystified when women say he's good looking.

However, in preparation for a fake news story that I'm hoping will drop this very night, I spent a couple hours today looking through a whole lot of pictures of Mr. Dunn, some of them quite old, and I'll be damned if he didn't used to be hot back in the day.

Dunn fanciers of the world, I stand corrected.

For the sake of his game, for the sake of his health, for the sake of beauty and art and poetry, somebody please get this guy a haircut, a shave, and a serious stint on The Program that worked out so well for Kearnsy last season.

It's just too much of a waste that this is what we're missing out on.