All right, gang, the 2011 baseball season is underway, and it’s high time to start predicting how teams and players will perform.

First off, the whole Cincinnati Reds team. They can easily be projected to finish the season at 162-0, a historic, never-before-done feat. Unfortunately, the Pittsburgh Pirates are on pace for the same mark.

Strangely, the Reds don’t project to have any starter win a single one of those 162 games, as the bullpen will get every single win. On the plus side, at least none of the starters are projected to have any losses.

As for players, Joey Votto looks to be even better this year than last. Based on his performance so far, we can expect a whopping 162 home runs from him and 324 runs batted in. He’d seem like a shoo-in for MVP were it not for teammate Ramon Hernandez who, in addition to those 162 home runs, is on track for an unbelievable 486 RBI. Votto will have a better slugging percentage, at 2.6 to Hernandez’s 2.2, so it’ll be up to the voters to decide.

Perhaps the best projection, though, comes from that of the St. Louis Cardinals. The 2010 MVP runner-up, Albert Pujols looks like he’ll have the worst contract year in the history of contract years. Based on his performance, we can predict a batting average of .000, and, in what will surely break the record, he will ground into 486 double plays.

The Cardinals are on pace to go winless on the season and also to lose 162 players to the disabled list. It’s going to be a rough year in St. Louis.

Today was a nice win, but it doesn’t blot out the shining weakness that was a strength just a few weeks ago: the starting pitching. Volquez, as #1 starter is expected to absorb something like 220 innings. How is he going to do that when his pitch count is usually in the mid 50s by the 3rd inning?

Bronson Arroyo (he of the golden hair and rubber arm) is struggling with some kind of upper respiratory problem that had doctors scratching their heads, leading to tests. Inititally the tests were for something bizarre called ‘Valley Fever’ but then suddenly the much more well-known Mononucleosis (aka Mono) became the final prognosis. If you know Bronson like I know him, you know he is on his yacht during the offseason, somewhere in the Flordia Keys or thereabouts.

Bronson, as an athlete, is unfortunately insulated from independent news outlets such as this one. He probably relies on getting his information from the Main Stream Media aka MSM. That can be deadly. The MSM will have you believe the Oil Spill is a thing of the past and you can eat Atlantic Lobster at $9.99/lb. Nevermind the countless independent reports citing oil just beneath the sand, of insane amounts of aerial Corexit spraying, and of vast die-offs of marine life. So forgive me for thinking that Bronson maybe inhaled some of this poisonous vapor cocktail while patroling about on the SS Curveball.

The good news is that he is under treatment and out of that toxic environment. If anything, Arroyo has proven to be a resilient character having never touched the DL as a Red, if memory serves me correctly.

Nontheless one must be concerned at the state of the starting pitching staff. Arroyo is recuperating from illness, Cueto has a mystery arm ailment, and Volquez can’t keep his pitch count at reasonable levels to last deep into a ballgame. I almost forgot that Homer Bailey is gone for an unspecified time period, and is not even throwing a ball these days.

The good news is the Aroldis Chapman is lurking in the shadows. You’d think this would be the opportune time to stretch him out as a long reliever and prepare a transition to the starting rotatation. Things would be looking mighty good at that point and might even have Pete Rose looking more cheerful than this:

As always, be sure to stockpile food, water, firearms, gold and silver coins, and alternative medicines…. and like that old cop on Hill Street Blues used to say: “Stay Safe Out There.”

AND GO REDS!

THC REED
Red-Hot-Mama.com Contributing Writer

This is the visage out my window. Sure, I’m in downtown Indianapolis, but it isn’t that far from downtown Indianapolis to downtown Cincinnati when you’re a snowstorm. Snowstorms go further than that all the time.

Will Opening Day be the first snow-out of the season? Or will the blazing 50-degree high my iPhone is forecasting for Cincy tomorrow burn all this off?

Either way, good idea starting the season early, Bud!

We were having such a good time today at HoHoKam Park watching the Cincinnati Reds play the Chicago Cubs–and eating Island Noodles–that we whipped out the audio recorder and grabbed our ramblings to share with the wide world at large.

There are also lots of pictures of the Reds 7-6 win, and those will be uploaded later.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

A staple of Cactus League baseball stadiums, Island Noodles features 21 veggies and optional teriyaki chicken in a bed of noodles and sauce. Not only does it give you that rare opportunity to eat with chopsticks at the ballpark, but it tastes so good you’ll forget you’re getting dietary fiber.