Daily Archives: April 19, 2005

April 19, 2005

A Sort-of Conversation with George and Chris

At our house, we watch as many games as possible on Fox Sports Ohio, where we are treated to the wit and wisdom of George Grande and the man he describes every night as “The Crappy Lefty,” Chris Welch. Actually, he's probably saying “Crafty,” but I challenge you to hear an F and a T in his pronunciation. I wish he were saying “crappy,” because Welch sort of was, and I would definitely enjoy that sort of ribbing througout their broadcast. However, since George isn't even willing to say the word “Damn” in “Best Damn Sports Show Period,” I don't think that's likely to happen soon.

Nevertheless, the two provide us limitless opportunities to make fun of them and the game. In fact, our running “conversation” with George and Chris is really what makes watching losses like tonight's bearable.

For example, after Normar Garciaparra's Felipe-Lopez-like throw to first base in the bottom of the fourth that allowed Rich Aurilia to get on base, this conversation ensued.
George Grande: Nomar always has been an unconventional thrower: side-arm, underhand…
Jon: …granny-style.

Or take, for instance, this exchange I shared with Welch as he described Mark Prior's pitching style.
Chris Welch: There are two parts to Prior's game. There are the strikeouts, but there is also…
Red Hot: …the delicate pressed-flower collection.

Here's a particularly corny one later in the game, as I was getting desperate for any kind of humor at all as Joe Randa stepped up to the plate:
George Grande: Randa steps in at .333
Red Hot: Gosh, he hasn't picked up that much weight.

And finally, my favorite of the night.
George Grande: I don't know about you, but I'm not a big fan of these two-game series.
Chris Welch: I don't know who is a fan of them.
Red Hot: I heard your mama likes two at a time.

In that last one, of course, I'm referring to asprin. I would never say anything disrespectful of George Grande's mother, who, he announced during a game just the other day, just turned 99 years young. Damn!

April 19, 2005

Life & Style: The Exquisite Hair of Right Field

If you thought Austin Kearns' hair was fabulous when he showed up to spring training, or if you swooned over Wily Mo Peña's hair during his curtain call after his 498' homerun on Sunday, then you'll be excited to know that soon you or the man in your life can be using the same hair products as these coifed beauties.

“When I saw Austin's gorgeous hair, I just had to share his secret with all my clients,” said Mario Meschier, owner of the famous Escargot Salon in Cincinnati. “Later, I met Wily, and he was just as gorgeous in a completely different way. I had to have his secrets too.”

And what are their secrets? When asked to describe his recipe for fantastic locks, Kearns said with a coy shrug, “I wash it.” Asked to describe his lovely mane, Peña said, “My hair isn't six inches, but it is four, so it is close. So I'll have to let it grow two more inches to six.”

The product line, called Out of Right Field, will be Proctor & Gamble's first foray into the growing market of men's health and beauty products and is expected to hit shelves May 1.