October 1, 2005
Fun With Mean-Spirited Headlines
By
Amanda
Posted at 11:13 am
Image via JD
I woke up this morning and thought to myself, “Self, if there's one thing I haven't done enough of this season, it's cruelly make fun of the hair, clothes, and spelling ability of Cardinals' fans.” How fortuitous that I should then come across this particular photo on Red Reporter.
Possible headlines that come immediately to mind:
- St. Louis Eighth Grader to Compete in National Spelling Bee
- Brian Morans Makes Embarrassing Spelling Mistake
- Missouri Suffers Shortage of 'Mustache Rides 10¢' T-Shirts
I feel bad about myself. He's probably a real nice, hard-working guy. But the smack must be talked!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re all mullet-having, illiterate, cousin-marriers.
You know, it doesn’t make it any fun to imply it if you just up and admit it.
Indians lose.
Yankees win!!
Mike Shannon is imploring me to have a Bud Light. I don’t know if I should take his advice.
Did the Reds’ batting practice pitcher steal a uniform?
I’m drinking mimosas. It just seems more appropriate for this time of day.
You know, a lot of Reds fans are down on giving Keisler any starts at the end of the season, but personally, I don’t understand why we’re still letting Ramon start. He clearly does not have it.
I’ll be right back, I’ve got to reboot.
Ok, I’m back. Stupid computer.
mlb.com not behaving for you? It probably can’t stand to broadcast this crappy Reds performance.
I mean, it probably can’t stand to watch how the first place team is going DOWN.
Yeah, that’s the ticket.
I don’t know what it was, everything was veeeery slow. But now it’s good.
Besides, I’m listening to the St. Louis feed.
Yeah, I’m not so sure you want this Ramon guy pitching. He can’t even bunt.
If bunting were a qualification for playing for the Reds, they’d have something like 2 players.
I think I read somewhere that Pujols was the only Cardinal without a bunt this year. But I think that’s wrong. I don’t remember Walker bunting.
You can’t hear it, but I’m sighing exasperatedly. This game sucks, this whole season sucks. Here are the Reds, such a lovely, talented young team, and they can’t pull their heads out of their asses long enough to get a lead on a Cardinal team that was clearly tanking before this weekend.
Am I going to have to wait until my team is as old as your team is now before I get to enjoy any winning?? That’ll be, like, ten years!
O, Canada…
It’s not age, it’s having pitching. Being able to sign people for hometown discounts helps (Rolen, Jimmy, etc.) And a manager who knows what he’s doing. How many managers have the Reds had in the last decade? The Cards have had one. Also, owners who will spend money and a GM who knows what to do with it, like knowing that Milton wouldn’t do well in a hitters’ park.
What’s kind of scary to me is that a team with Marquis, Mulder, and King is considered to "have" pitching.
I haven’t been paying attention to the Reds for ten years, only five, but there have been four in that amount of time. And I wouldn’t be surprised for there to be another one not too long from now.
So, what you’re saying is, then, is that with all that stuff the Cards having going for them, they really ought to be doing a lot better than they are.
Go Denorfia!
Jason! Get your head on straight.
Well, other than the past few weeks, and outside of King and Marquis’ mid-season suckfest, the Cards have had pitching.
The Cardinals should always go 162-0.
I’m going to have a beer.
Man, I’m bored. We should play a game. Let’s see if I can come up with a Would You Rather.
Ok.
OK, would you rather:
A) Exchange Pujols for Dunn
or
B) Exchange Edmonds for Griffey
Yay! Go Little Eddie! Prove me wrong for not believing in you from the beginning!
Still bored?
I’m very pleased that the Reds have taken the lead, but really, they should have had it all along.
B – Once Griffey gets hurt, Taguchi can fill in.
I can’t come up with a good one.
You’d give up your beloved Jimmy? It would destroy his legacy, you know. He’d start to completely suck the minute he stepped foot in Cincinnati.
That’s what guys do ’round here.
Would you rather:
A) Be like the Diamondbacks and win one year, then suck
or
B) Go through some sucking to be good enough to get to the playoffs, but never win the Series, for a extened period
If it’s a choice between Albert and Jimmy, I’ll choose Albert.
Well, gosh, either would be an improvement over what I’ve got now. But we’ve seen the disillusion that the Braves have engendered in scenario B, so I think I’ll go with A. Especially if we got to beat someone as villified as the Yankees.
Here’s one for you. Pujols is traded to the Cubs. Would you rather:
A) See him flourish and lead the Cubs to a World Series ring
or
B) See him founder and drag the Cubs down
Go Lopez! I couldn’t be a bit prouder of that fella.
Well, maybe if he was my own kid or something, but I’m pretty darn proud of him.
So, suck for a while, blow all your money for one year, then suck again. You wouldn’t like to have a shot every year? The playoffs are a crapshoot, afterall.
I’d rather see him die.
Yeah, pretty much. I believe I mentioned a masochistic streak yesterday…
Would you rather:
A) Dunn hit a lot of home runs but keep setting new strike out records
or
B) Learn to be a slappy singles/doubles guy
Well, that one’s obvious. I couldn’t give less of a crap about homeruns. Some doubles out of Dunn would be fantastic.
I don’t think you get to avoid the question by having Pujols die. But let’s say he does. Would you rather:
A) Have it be so inspiring to Chicago that they take the division
or
B) Have it be so devastating to St. Louis that they crumble and finish last
Dude, Simpson did NOT mean to hit Albert there. Simpson couldn’t intentionally hit a batter if his life depended on it.
What’s Albert so pissed off about?
Don’t tug on Superman’s cape, Simpson.
Superman versus Opie. I hope Pujols feels real good about himself.
He’s pissed because being hit took the bat out of his hands. He wants to hit, Simpson didn’t let him.
Now, Shackelford might have done that on purpose.
Um, try to control your boys, Narron. Thanks.
How do you know he’s not?
I guess we’ll find out when John Mabry gets him with a haymaker.
That would be great. We haven’t had a good brawl all season. And some nice postseason suspensions would certainly add an element of excitement.
The closest the Cards got was when we were making the Red Sox look like chumps, and the Sox responded like small children and starting hitting batters right and left. Bunch of whiny brats, those Red Sox.
Well, you certainly cannot call the Cards "whiny brats." They’re way too old for that.