Friday Night Raps: Awards Edition
You could be my boyfriend; you surely can,
just let me quit my boyfriend called Superman.
I said “He's a fairy, I do suppose
flyin' through the air in pantyhose.
He may be very sexy or even cute,
but he looks like a sucker in a blue and red suit.
Things are not always as they seem. Just as the Sugar Hill Gang reminds us that even a superhero can look like a sucker, we must remember that even a team as disappointing as the 2005 Reds can still provide things to feel positive about. With that in mind, I'm pleased to present
The Red Hot Mama Awards for 2005
Adam Dunn - Most Talked About Award
Debate whether he's a good player. Debate whether he's good for the team. Debate whether he's going to jump ship and run to Texas at his first possible opportunity. About the only thing you cannot debate about Adam Dunn is that he's the single-most debated Red this year. Even here on Red Hot Mama, where we have not yet begun attending worship services at the Church of Dunn, he's been the topic of a hefty chunk of the posts.
Ken Griffey, Jr. - Most Awards Award
After a string of unsatisfying years, Ken Griffey, Jr pulled together a year of epic proportions. He looked like a 25-year old on the field. He demonstrated the character and leadership off the field. He's quiet, friendly, personable, down-to-earth, and richer than your wildest dreams.
Junior needs to consider getting some vices pretty quick, to give him some more stuff to overcome and be perfect at.
Felipe Lopez - Potential Realized Award
The 2005 Reds didn't see a whole lot of their potential realized, but Felipe Lopez showed up one day and started demonstrating all the awesomeness that the scouts said he had all along. How'd Felipe do it? I dunno. But if he wanted to go rub up against the bullpen for a while, I doubt anyone would complain.
Allan Simpson - Opie Lookalike Award
If there's anything more intimidating to hitters than a guy with questionable control throwing 98 mph in their direction, it's a guy with questionable control throwing 98 mph in their direction whom you expect to pick up his fishin' pole and start whining to his Paw.
Honorable Mention: Todd Coffey
Ryan Freel - Best Screw-Ups Award
Whether it's a DUI or an ill-advised attempt to steal home, you can count on Ryan Freel to bounce back from any gaffe and charge head-long into the next situation without the slightest hint of hesitation. Freel demonstrates that if you aren't messing up in new and interesting ways on a regular basis, you just aren't trying hard enough.
Eric Milton - Biggest Opportunity for Improvement Award
Saying Eric Milton was a bust in 2005 would be like saying the ocean is real deep in some spots. Milton defined bust. Someday, people will say things like “How much do I love you, my dear? I love you as much as Milton sucked in 2005.”
Aaron Harang - Anti-Milton Award
Aaron Harang came seemingly out of nowhere in 2005 to establish himself as the closest thing the Reds had to a reliable starter. Nothing smart-ass to say about that.
Javier Valentín - Best Mascot
When I adopted Javier Valentín as the object of my affection back in May, there weren't many people talking about him at all, let alone calling him the Latin Love Machine. But since then, the LLM has won over his critics and blossomed into the best mascot a blogger could ever hope for.
Sean Casey - Almost But Not Quite Award
After failing to collect his 100th RBI in the 2004 season, Sean Casey failed to collect his 10th home run in 2005. For coming so tantalizingly close, but never achieving that round number, we stand up and applaud Casey. Or rather, we lean forward in our seats, shift our weight to our hands on our armrests, and pause there indefinitely.
Aaron Holbert - Most Likely to be Forgotten in 2007 Award
Sorry about that, man.
Jason Standridge - Hottest Red Award
When the position of Hottest Red became available back in the middle of July, I knew it was going to be an incredibly daunting task to select the next honoree. There are just so many worthy candidates with strengths in so many different areas. There are some guys who can make you laugh, guys who can make you think, even a couple who can impress you with their baseball skill.
But finally I came to the realization that, when you're talking about hotness, things like charm, character, and playing ability, appealing as they are, just don't matter. Hotness is about causing a visceral reaction, making members of the opposite sex exhale audibly when you walk by and smile. And once I settled on that criteria, it was really the easiest award to give.
I mean, look at him.
Congratulations to all of our winners. Till next week, keep on jumping to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.