Everyone seems to have advice for the new Reds' ownership. And if there's one thing we pride ourselves on here at Red Hot Mama, it's following along with the crowd, so I guess it's about time I threw my $0.02 in as well. Everyone's got a potential trade, a managerial candidate, a new statistical philosophy that's sure to make the Reds win. I need one, too.

And winning is what's important, right? After all, a baseball team is a business. Because of Major League Baseball's exemption from monopoly laws, each team might not be the kind of streamlined business machine that is forged in the inferno of free enterprise, but inefficient as it may be, a baseball team's goal is to make money. It makes money by:

• Ticket sales and revenues associated with game attendance (concessions, souvenirs, etc.)
• Merchandise sales
• Endorsements, naming rights, and other advertisements

As you would expect for an entertainment-oriented business, a baseball team needs fans in order to satisfy its goal of making money. Without fans, no tickets are sold. Without fans, no one wears team ballcaps. Without fans, endorsements are irrelevant. And fielding a winning team is a sure-fire way to get fans.

We can demonstrate the truth of this statement in several different ways. Certainly we can look at a few of them now.

At long last, Funnyball: The Art of Enjoying a Losing Season is available for your shopping enjoyment. Funnyball is an anthology of the Reds 2005 season as commented upon here at Red Hot Mama. This collection of RHM's fake news and other tidbits, as well as a new-and-improved version of the choose-your-own-adventure story, will make you laugh, make you think, and make you wonder how you ever got along without it.

Just wait till you read what the experts and opinion-makers are saying about the book:

“It's just like the Red Hot Mama weblog, only spell-checked!”

“Hey, didn't I already read all this stuff during the 2005 season?”

“This book is perfect for gift-giving, suitable for autographing, and perfect for carrying with me to the bathroom!”

Most Valuable Poultry, that is.

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

The Toronto Sun is reporting that the Blue Jays have made an early bid for the services of free agent starting pitcher A.J. Burnett with an offer of US$50 million over five years. Toronto is one of nine teams interested in Burnett.

With the Reds sitting out this free-agent season, I guess we'll miss out on all the fun. Man, when are we going to get to throw a multi-year contract and loads of cash at a pitcher coming off a good year?

Man, I'm bored. Are you bored? I'm bored.

I was briefly not bored yesterday when I saw that the spring training schedule is now available, but it didn't last. I tried to be interested in this Burns character the Reds picked up off waivers from the Astros, but I just can't. I wanted to make some genius observation about the piddling movement on the 40-man roster, but I lack the attention span.

About the only Reds-related thing that has held my attention over the last week has been this interview with Austin Kearns.

Who was the biggest influence on your life, outside of your parents?

Probably just a couple of my best friends, as far as always being themselves. It's not like anybody's got a big head or anything. It's just people who keep me grounded. I've got two best friends back home, Chris and Jared, who I hang out with all the time.

Interesting that he mentions two of his other friends by name, but not Dunn. In fact, he doesn't mention Dunn in the entire interview. Huh.

If you could have dinner with any celebrity, who would it be and why?

Golly, that gives you some possibilities right there! I've got to think of some chicks! I'm trying to think who the best one going is. If I had to pick a dude, I'd probably say Brett Favre. But if it's a female, hmm. … Let me think about that. There's so many.

Kearns says “Golly”?

He eventually settled on Angelina Jolie, so this seems like a pertinent time to mention that I look just like Angelina Jolie, only I'm not flat-chested. In fact, the paparazzi are constantly running up to me in the street yelling “Angelina! Who did your boobs?” No really.

What's your biggest pet peeve?

People being late. I like to be on time. I don't like having to wait.

Me too. I hate to wait. I wish the Reds would hurry up and do something interesting.

Man, I'm bored.