Everyone seems to have advice for the new Reds' ownership. And if there's one thing we pride ourselves on here at Red Hot Mama, it's following along with the crowd, so I guess it's about time I threw my $0.02 in as well. Everyone's got a potential trade, a managerial candidate, a new statistical philosophy that's sure to make the Reds win. I need one, too.

And winning is what's important, right? After all, a baseball team is a business. Because of Major League Baseball's exemption from monopoly laws, each team might not be the kind of streamlined business machine that is forged in the inferno of free enterprise, but inefficient as it may be, a baseball team's goal is to make money. It makes money by:

• Ticket sales and revenues associated with game attendance (concessions, souvenirs, etc.)
• Merchandise sales
• Endorsements, naming rights, and other advertisements

As you would expect for an entertainment-oriented business, a baseball team needs fans in order to satisfy its goal of making money. Without fans, no tickets are sold. Without fans, no one wears team ballcaps. Without fans, endorsements are irrelevant. And fielding a winning team is a sure-fire way to get fans.

We can demonstrate the truth of this statement in several different ways. Certainly we can look at a few of them now.

At long last, Funnyball: The Art of Enjoying a Losing Season is available for your shopping enjoyment. Funnyball is an anthology of the Reds 2005 season as commented upon here at Red Hot Mama. This collection of RHM's fake news and other tidbits, as well as a new-and-improved version of the choose-your-own-adventure story, will make you laugh, make you think, and make you wonder how you ever got along without it.

Just wait till you read what the experts and opinion-makers are saying about the book:

“It's just like the Red Hot Mama weblog, only spell-checked!”

“Hey, didn't I already read all this stuff during the 2005 season?”

“This book is perfect for gift-giving, suitable for autographing, and perfect for carrying with me to the bathroom!”

Most Valuable Poultry, that is.

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

The Toronto Sun is reporting that the Blue Jays have made an early bid for the services of free agent starting pitcher A.J. Burnett with an offer of US$50 million over five years. Toronto is one of nine teams interested in Burnett.

With the Reds sitting out this free-agent season, I guess we'll miss out on all the fun. Man, when are we going to get to throw a multi-year contract and loads of cash at a pitcher coming off a good year?

Man, I'm bored. Are you bored? I'm bored.

I was briefly not bored yesterday when I saw that the spring training schedule is now available, but it didn't last. I tried to be interested in this Burns character the Reds picked up off waivers from the Astros, but I just can't. I wanted to make some genius observation about the piddling movement on the 40-man roster, but I lack the attention span.

About the only Reds-related thing that has held my attention over the last week has been this interview with Austin Kearns.

Who was the biggest influence on your life, outside of your parents?

Probably just a couple of my best friends, as far as always being themselves. It's not like anybody's got a big head or anything. It's just people who keep me grounded. I've got two best friends back home, Chris and Jared, who I hang out with all the time.

Interesting that he mentions two of his other friends by name, but not Dunn. In fact, he doesn't mention Dunn in the entire interview. Huh.

If you could have dinner with any celebrity, who would it be and why?

Golly, that gives you some possibilities right there! I've got to think of some chicks! I'm trying to think who the best one going is. If I had to pick a dude, I'd probably say Brett Favre. But if it's a female, hmm. … Let me think about that. There's so many.

Kearns says “Golly”?

He eventually settled on Angelina Jolie, so this seems like a pertinent time to mention that I look just like Angelina Jolie, only I'm not flat-chested. In fact, the paparazzi are constantly running up to me in the street yelling “Angelina! Who did your boobs?” No really.

What's your biggest pet peeve?

People being late. I like to be on time. I don't like having to wait.

Me too. I hate to wait. I wish the Reds would hurry up and do something interesting.

Man, I'm bored.

New York, NY -- Major League Baseball is taking flak for waiting until today to announce Terry Pendleton as the winner of the National League Most Valuable Player Award for 1991.

Some fans seem to think that the long-delayed announcement lacks relevance in the face of the football and young basketball seasons.

“Yeah, Terry Pendleton,” said Peter Griffin, a sports fan who heard the announcement on television at a local Hooters. “He plays for the Colts, right? That team is freakin' sweet.”

Some baseball fans, especially younger ones, complain that they've never heard of Terry Pendleton.

“I was 5 in 1991,” explained Turk Turkleton. “Unless you're going to tell me that Bullwinkle won, I'm not going to know who the heck you're talking about.”

By far, the most common complaint was the long time delay for the announcement.

“You expect me to remember what some guy did in 1991?” asked Dwight Shrut, a salesman. “I can barely remember what the 2005 MVPs did.”

I don't often have the time or energy to investigate the baseball blogosphere the way I'd like, but The Pine Tar Rag, a Royals blog, linked to me recently, so I went to check it out. It's distressingly blue and a little in-depth for those uninitiated to Kansas City fandom, but this comment on a recent post caught my attention:

# BrettParker Says:
November 14th, 2005 at 2:43 pm

Why are the Jays shopping Hudson? Also, is there even the slightest chance of Joe Randa playing 2nd base?

Randa at second? I'm surprised no one's advocating that idea around the greater Cincinnati area. At first it sounds ridiculous, but then you think: what better free agents are we going to pick up?

To completely change directions, if you haven't already seen these photos of Jim Edmonds living it up with some co-eds, I highly recommend them. Sure as hell beats this photo.

Finally, my crack technical staff has fixed the problem that was preventing RHM members from using the e-mail features. The biggest upshot here is that if you've forgotten your password, you can now use the functionality to get it back. w00t!

Nothing in common but this trust
I'm like a minus, she's like a plus
One going up, one coming down
But we seem to land on common ground
When things go wrong we make corrections
To keep things moving in the right direction
Try to fight it but I'm telling you Jack

It's useless, Opposites Attract

Back in June I started a human league entry for Adam Dunn, but I never posted it because it sucked. In fact, none of my human league ideas were working, and I couldn't pinpoint what I didn't like about them. So I shut down the category until I could figure out exactly how these profiles were failing to satisfy my needs.

Five months later, my standards have apparently tanked, because this Human League entry doesn't look so bad anymore. And, what with all the recent talk of trading Dunn, I figure I probably better take my opportunity to post it now. Besides, it's sort of fun to remember back to June before all hope was entirely lost for 2005. Sigh. We were so naive back then.

*****

The Human League series contains profiles of Reds players to cover the stuff that matters to me about baseball players. I don't embarrass myself by trying to write any deep statistical analysis: there are plenty of competent people doing doing that already. The Human League profiles are just supposed to give beginners a sense of what a guy's about as a person and a player.

That being said, it's also important to note that this information is based on nothing but Internet research and my own observations. I have no intention of being impartial or exhaustive, but I do welcome your additions, corrections, complaints, hell send me your shopping list if you want to.

Today, let's take a closer look at Adam Dunn.

*****

Till next week, keep on kickin' it with animated cats.

Gotta give a shout-out to the following Web sites for providing knowledge above-and-beyond. Check them out for more (and better) information.

• Adam Dunn: A True (Outcomes) Hero on The Hardball Times
• JockBio:Adam Dunn Biography on JockBio.com
• Cincinnati Reds: Player Information on The Official Site
• Adam Dunn: Information from Answers.com on Answers.com
• The Boys of Summer on Cincinnati Weekly
• Mailbag: Fans hope to keep core on The Official Site
• Adam Dunn Love Match on CelebMatch.com

Gotta give a shout-out to the following Web sites for providing knowledge above-and-beyond. Check them out for more (and better) information.

• Adam Dunn: A True (Outcomes) Hero on The Hardball Times
• JockBio:Adam Dunn Biography on JockBio.com
• Cincinnati Reds: Player Information on The Official Site
• Adam Dunn: Information from Answers.com on Answers.com
• The Boys of Summer on Cincinnati Weekly
• Mailbag: Fans hope to keep core on The Official Site
• Adam Dunn Love Match on CelebMatch.com