March 4, 2008

Cubbie Injuries

I know we’ll hear about all this when we get our next weekly injury report here at Red Hot Mama, but the setbacks the Cubs are already suffering are just too much to ignore. The big news is that Alfonso Soriano broke his finger, of course, and will apparently be out for only five days while his magical cyborg bones stitch themselves back up. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Infielder Mark DeRosa is suffering an irregular heartbeat and had to be hospitalized. Pitcher Jose Ascanio got punched in an attempted robbery and has the bruises to prove it. Aramis “Mr. Boring” Ramirez has a sore shoulder.

But the pièce de résistance is Felix Pie’s twisted testicle. It’s the sort of injury that you know you shouldn’t laugh at but can’t stop guffawing, like the first time you saw There’s Something About Mary. I asked the Crack Technical Staff to find me a picture of the affliction, but after just a few seconds of Google searching, he refused, so we’ll just have to use our imaginations. In mine, it’s sort of like a slinky.

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