May 3, 2006

Rockies Forfeit Due to Lack of Balls

DENVER, CO -- The Colorado Rockies will forfeit tonight's contest against the Cincinnati Reds after a humidor break-down decimated their supply of baseballs.

The Rockies' Senior Director of Engineering and Facilities, James Wiener, noticed the break-down that ruined the baseballs late this afternoon.

“[Rockies' reliever Ray] King asked me for some of his balls to play with,” said Wiener. “He'll only play with his own balls. We keep them in a sack up against the wall in the humidor.”

“I noticed right away that something wasn't right because his balls were blue,” explained Wiener. The bluish tint seems to have appeared when, after splitting or winning all their series, the Rockies failed to seal the deal with the Braves.

Wiener's fears were confirmed he he touched King's balls. “They were all way too small. Even the sack was dry and shriveled up.” He soon discovered that all of the teams' baseballs were destroyed.

“You should have seen the guys' faces when I told them they didn't have any balls,” said Wiener, shaking his head.

FedEx will deliver a new supply of balls in the morning.

“That's great,” said Reds' reliever, Kent Mercker, “But who's going to deliver them some testicles?”

72 comments to “Rockies Forfeit Due to Lack of Balls”

  1. Red Hot Mama says:

    You mean, like, Chicago?

    That’s not nice. I really do like Griffey. Just hard not to notice how much the team hasn’t suffered without him.

  2. Skeeter says:

    First I see Jimmy Fallon dancing around on taxicabs with Pepsi, now there he is talking about AIDS… who sells the commercial time for FSNOhio? Sheesh!

  3. Daedalus says:

    well, with our catcher shortage, we could always try Dunn back there…

  4. Daedalus says:

    (at catcher, that is)

  5. Red Hot Mama says:

    Heh. I doubt he could crouch low enough for the umpire to see.

  6. Skeeter says:

    I think that “gentlemen’s agreement” clause-thing in his contract keeps him from being behind the plate, probably so that he doesn’t embarass himself… because he’s never done that in left.

    He could always try short!

  7. Skeeter says:

    “The righty comes in to try and make this a non-Holliday.”

    Oh, Chris.

  8. Skeeter says:

    LoL… way to go George, going to break talking about the third out being at second, and not the called third strike at home plate.

  9. Red Hot Mama says:

    Chris can’t resist a bad pun. He should write headlines for the Cincy papers.

    Aurilia’s got a “strained groin.” Ouch.

  10. Red Hot Mama says:

    Mesa has a lavender glove. It really brings out his eyes.

  11. Skeeter says:

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Chriss Hammond and his amazing 16.20 ERA!

  12. Red Hot Mama says:

    Hammond?? This isn’t mop-up!

  13. Skeeter says:

    Same thought here

  14. Skeeter says:

    That must have brought the Ernie down to a more respectable 12 or so.

  15. Red Hot Mama says:

    One of these days: single digits, baby!

  16. Skeeter says:

    I smell a possible fake news topic! …it’s a great goal.

  17. Red Hot Mama says:

    What’s up with Fuentes’ delivery? That looks painful.

  18. Skeeter says:

    Come on, Dunn… get a hit. Or just get on base, I’m tired of these ground ball outs.

  19. Red Hot Mama says:

    Go kick his ass, Dunn! That plate is yours!

  20. Skeeter says:

    Well, just think… tomorrow they’re gonna score at least six runs.

  21. Red Hot Mama says:

    Damn, that sucked. But tomorrow, our ace takes on the Pirates’ pitching cast-off. Better things are ahead!

  22. Red Hot Mama says:

    Thanks for coming over, ladies. Same bat time, same bat place tomorrow. I’ll be doing a little post-project celebrating after work, but I should be back (and already working on a buzz) by the time the game starts tomorrow.