June 20, 2005

Cardinals Forfeit After Remarkable Misadventures

CINCINNATI, OH -- The St. Louis Cardinals forfeited tonight's contest just hours before game time when a bizarre series of events left their line-up in tatters.

The first of the unusual occurrences happened late this morning when Cardinals' shortstop David Eckstein was abducted by an unidentified elderly woman while he was jogging. Witnesses report that the woman put the diminutive infielder in her purse and wandered off, mumbling about her collection of Hummel miniature figurines. Eckstein is presumed to be in no immediate danger unleess he draws the attention of the old lady's cats.

The rest of the visiting Cardinals fanned out throughout the city in search of their teammate. That's when an atypically large yellow canary flew overhead, catching the attention of Cardinals' young catcher, Yadier Molina. Molina mistook the canary for his favorite television character, Big Bird, and took after the canary in pursuit of an autograph. Molina was last seen sprinting down Mehring Way singing “Come and play, everything's A-OK!” at the top of his lungs.

“That's a risk you run with such young players,” explained Cardinals' manager, Tony La Russa. “You'd never see that happen with our outfielders.”

However, something did happen with an outfielder, unfortunately for the Cardinals. While running to stop Molina, center-fielder Jim Edmonds was the victim of a well-placed load dropped by the canary. Edmonds then hurried back to his hotel room and has refused to emerge ever since, except to demand a box of Just for Men to cover up the mess.

The forfeit brings the Reds' winning streak to two and is certain to compound the team's momentum.

“Looks like we finally got a break,” said Reds' second-baseman Ryan Freel. “Of course, we were going to beat them anyway. This is just better because now I don't have to risk my sore toe tonight while we were kicking their butts.”

49 comments to “Cardinals Forfeit After Remarkable Misadventures”

  1. Due to a poor shoe choice this morning, I’m feeling a little testy. Bring it on.

  2. Red Hot Mama says:

    I’m too well aware of Edmond’s fractured rib; he’s been dragging down my fantasy team for a week…

    I mean, um, er, uh…strikeout! Go Harang!

  3. Well. That was a little sucky.

  4. Red Hot Mama says:

    You mean your guys don’t leave the bases loaded *every* inning? I was starting to think that was a rule.

  5. So I hear the Reds are open for business. Who’s not on the block?

  6. Red Hot Mama says:

    I’d be pretty stunned to see Griffey go; he’d have to approve the trade and he’s getting paid a whole bunch. A lot of the young guys are real cheap still so there wouldn’t be a whole lot of benefit.

    I think Casey makes the most sense to trade, though that wouldn’t be a popular choice among the masses of Cincinnati. Maybe if we got someone good for him it would be OK.

    You guys wanna trade first basemen, right? 😉

    Wow, top of the second is gone. That was quick.

  7. "You mean your guys don’t leave the bases loaded *every* inning? I was starting to think that was a rule."

    We gotta give the Reds something to feel good about.

  8. Red Hot Mama says:

    They’ll feel good enough when this sweep is handily completed.

  9. Red Hot Mama says:

    Oooh, tough break with Randa’s hit. That’s gonna be a problem when your SS is only 4 1/2 feet tall.

  10. I actually think our first baseman could be pretty good someday, if he can dedicate himself a little more. I mean, he was only 3rd in MVP voting last year.

    No thanks on Griffey. I was thinking about a cheap, young outfielder for a couple AA guys. Twist my arm and you may get 3 AA’ers.

    That’s interesting-the Reds will feel better after they’ve been swept. That quite a complex.

  11. Red Hot Mama says:

    We already have plenty of AA-pitchers on this team, thanks so much. We call them "the bullpen."

    Watching Eckstein at the plate makes me feel twitchy. He’s been OK for my fantasy team, though…

    I mean, uh, er…

  12. I believe it’s time for a beer.

    This 300 second thing is a killer.

  13. Red Hot Mama says:

    >I believe it’s time for a beer.

    Halleluja. What are you drinking?

  14. Well, you can never have too many arms in the pen.

    Any other Cardinals on your fantasy team? Or were they gone before you could draft them?

    I’m a St. Louis gal through and through-Bud Light.

    You know, maybe I don’t want your lazybones outfielders.

  15. Red Hot Mama says:

    Are you kidding? Those old dudes stay available into the late rounds.

    I’ve got a couple other Cards on the team. I don’t expect to get anything out of Izzy tonight, though.

  16. You’re just sad that you didn’t get Grudzielanek. Who has the prettiest eyes.

    Yeah, Izzy’s not available, not that the Reds will be anywhere close to within 3 runs tonight.

  17. Poor Scotty is going to have terrible wrinkles when he gets older.

  18. Red Hot Mama says:

    My dear child fell off the trampoline next door and now the only thing that will console him is watching Pokemon in the only room with a television AND a t.v.

    So there’s likely to be more delay between my sasses. Hopefully he’ll fall asleep here soon.

  19. Oh, I hope he’s OK. Try to keep your sanity while watching Pokemon.

    This is why I have a cat.

  20. Red Hot Mama says:

    Oh, there’s no way that would happen. I’m in the other room watching the t.v. and running in here to make the occasional comment.

    Man, I can’t believe it took your guys all the way to the 5th inning to score 3 runs. Even Tampa Bay could do *that*.

  21. Yeah, it’s an off night.

    Well, have a seat, three Reds in a row. Do you remember what it’s like to have baserunners?

  22. Red Hot Mama says:

    Okey-dokey: Winter’s sleeping on his new Spider-man bed sheets. All is well at our house.

    What did I miss? Your guys couldn’t make any more out of the fifth, I see. Mine didn’t either, but I’ll take my victories where I can get them.

  23. Red Hot Mama says:

    Seriously, Rolen is the oldest-looking 30 year old I ever saw. Did he spend ALL of his teen years at the tanning bed?

  24. This is why your team doesn’t win. Your child needs Reds bed sheets.

    And your announcers need to shut up about the World Series.

  25. Red Hot Mama says:

    I’ve never seen Reds bed sheets. Where did you get yours?

  26. Red Hot Mama says:

    Jeepers creepers. Did La Russa make a deal with the devil or something?

  27. Poor guy is pretty beat up. But he only looks old on the field (he frowns a LOT). When not at the plate or getting ready for the pitch, he’s pretty adorable.

    Ah ha ha ha. Don’t need Jimmy tonight-he’s given his powers to Taguchi!!

    Oh, and it’s not my responsibilty to encourage your child to go down the path of futility. If you want a smart, well-adjusted son, buy him Cardinals gear.

  28. Red Hot Mama says:

    Geesh, why don’t you just suggest I get him Cubs stuff…

  29. You know I would NEVER suggest that. NEVER EVER. The Cubs should be a shining example of how not to behave.

  30. Red Hot Mama says:

    Looks like Mabry misses Graves.

  31. Red Hot Mama says:

    Dunn’s strike zone is like four feet tall; you’d think it’d be easier to hit.

  32. Red Hot Mama says:

    Strikeout. Guess I was asking for that.

  33. Um, yeah, you kinda were. You’re facing Chris Carpenter. He doesn’t put up with any nonsense.

  34. Red Hot Mama says:

    Yeah, it was Carpenter’s fault Dunn struck out. Because he’s certainly never done it before.

    Yadi is as cute as a button. I just want to bring him home and set him up in my garden with the lawn gnomes.

  35. Red Hot Mama says:

    That Eckstein is pretty cute, too. But when are you guys getting your real shortstop back? 😀

  36. Don’t let Yadi fool you. He’s one tough mutha. As for David…we had the opportunity to compare SS when the Red Sox came to town. TSSWMNBN (The Short Stop Who Must Not Be Named) sucked. Eck rocked. By the way, how many times has he been on base tonight? I believe it’s the same as all Reds combined.

  37. Red Hot Mama says:

    Yeah, I imagine Yadi could hold his own with the lawn gnomes. And "Eck" is a Freel wannabe.

    Top of the ninth coming up. Your boys are rapidly running out of chances to beat the spread.

  38. Red Hot Mama says:

    Admit it: you wish you had Griffey. He’s a star!

  39. Hi, my name is So Taguchi. I make spectacular catches. And I’m the second best centerfielder on the team. Nice to meet you.

  40. Red Hot Mama says:

    Plus, he’d bring down the average age of your outfielders.

  41. Red Hot Mama says:

    Whatever. *I* could have caught that ball.

  42. So what’s the over/under on games remaining for Jr. before he loses a leg?

  43. Red Hot Mama says:

    I was going to say that Jr’s bionic now. I was going to tell you that th’ll be playing in 2025, the first player in MLB history to play on the same team as his grandkid.

    But I won’t. I learned from the Dunn strikeout.

  44. I’m glad to see you’ve learned. Griffey’s early exit from the season is only a matter time.

  45. Red Hot Mama says:

    And that’s the game.

    Not a horrible showing against the defending World Series losers, IMO.

  46. Yeah, remember when the Reds were competitive? Good times, good times.

    And there’s a decent chance that moniker changes this year.

  47. Red Hot Mama says:

    It’s always a pleasure, Ms. Scratcher. I look forward to tomorrow. You really were quite sassy tonight; I guess there’s an up-side to uncomfortable footwear after all.

  48. Indeed, I always enjoy this. And my blisters won’t heal by the end of the series (nor will my supply of beer be gone), so expect more of the same.

    Hope your son’s ok. And I hope you put the ball in his left hand.