Daily Archives: June 16, 2005

June 16, 2005

Caught Red Handed! Baseball’s Best Gossip Column

Early this morning Reds and Blues gave Reds fans everywhere an unprecedented look into the bosom buddydom of two of Cincinnati's most eligible bachelors when they printed a letter from Adam Dunn, playing an away game in Boston, to Austin Kearns, cooling his heels in Louisville.

Here at RHM, we also got an inside scoop when Kearns' response letter found its way to our desk.

Hey Dawg,
Man, Boston sounds awful. I sure don't miss those pictures of his kids Casey's always making everyone look at. But it sounds like you're having a pretty good time without me. You and Griff got new chairs, that's what you wanted. And some time on the PlayStation with Rich, good. You both suck at it, so you deserve each other. And took the Roxbury suit out without me. That's really great. Really, really great.

Louisville rocks. I don't know what I was thinking when I said I wanted to be on the field every day. I totally sat around for like four days eating pizza and picking up hotties. It was sweet. I've got girls lining up out the door to tell me how unfair they think it is that I got sent here. Two of them left just now after “comforting” me, if you know what I mean.

All the guys here think I'm totally awesome. When I came in the door they were all asking for my autograph and stuff. When I asked Sardinha about his Latin Love Machine impression, he was so excited that I'd heard of it that he made the whole room shut up so he could do the impression. Him and Denorfia actually almost got in a fight over who would get to sit next to me on the trip.

It's so easy to play here. I hit a double tonight and I wasn't even looking at the ball. Brian Rose started and totally sucked, 7 runs in 3 innings. I guess you guys will be seeing him soon. Ha! And I saw that you guys totally rocked the Braves tonight. It's really a good thing I wasn't there to drag the offense down. Geesh.

Now that you mention the Roxbury suits, I think I'll take mine out for a tour of Durham tonight. I wonder if Jason Romano likes to go to the clubs.

I've got so many people falling over themselves to buddy up to me, I don't even have time to think about how we used to cheat at Internet poker and crank call Pauly in the middle of the night. So don't worry about me. I'm cool. Totally cool.

Take care of yourself, pal.