Daily Archives: July 5, 2005

July 5, 2005

New Church Draws Fire For ‘Insect Cruelty’

CINCINNATI, OH -- A local animal rights' group has called for a boycott of Cincinnati's newest church because they say part of the worship service is cruel to insects.

The Church of Dunn began in 2001 when a handful of avid Reds fans began congregating to worship Adam Dunn most nights of the week. The congregation testifies about the batting order, sings the praises of the Holy Threesome of True Outcomes, and cuts the head off a horsefly with a ceremonial saber before each game.

The ritualistic killing of the horsefly is the part that has the animals rights' organization up in arms.

“Insects are living creatures and are entitled to protection from this kind of behavior,” said Jim I. Nee, leader of the animal rights' organization. “Why can't this group plant a tree instead?”

The congregation's leader, who would only identify himself as Brother OPS, explained that changing the ritual was impossible.

“Our tenets are very strict,” said Brother OPS. “We must keep a sacred chair in our homes only for Dunn. We must ponder the zen of his bobblehead three times per day. And, most importantly, we absolutely must sacrifice flies.”

Without legal recourse, the animal rights group says they will maintain their boycott.

“He strikes out too much anyway,” said Nee.

July 5, 2005

Bye Bye Bats

Tonight was the last time the Bats will be in Indianapolis until September. I'm going to miss them.

I'll spare you the entire game wrap since I've got fake news coming up momentarily, but I would like to hit a few high points:

  • Go Kearns! When he came up again after the first two homers, I told Jon “Anything less than a homerun here is a letdown.” But Kearnsy did not disappoint. Winter and I were over behind left field ready to catch number four. I guess we'll just have to do that in Cincy.
  • We sat two rows behind the Bats' bullpen. In the middle of the fifth inning, Jon and Winter had gone for a walk and Chris Booker turned around and asked me what I was writing. I responded, “Just some notes.” I didn't tell him that what I then wrote was “Chris Booker just asked me what I was writing!!”
  • In fact, I highly recommend sitting behind the bullpen if you visit Victory Field. They provided us much entertainment. Allan Simpson is a card. He entertained the kids in the row in front of us the whole game through. For example, when one of the kids announced loudly in the sixth that he had to pee, Simpson handed him a plastic cup from the water cooler. The poor, misguided kids were from Illinois and one was a Cardinals fan and the other liked the Cubs. Maybe the balls that every guy in the bullpen covertly signed for them in the ninth inning will help convert them.
  • Speaking of balls, Booker passed one back to Winter before we left. What a nicenik (and quite a strapping fellow as well). We tried very hard to get Winter to hold it in his left hand, but it wasn't happening.

OK, enough with the Bats. Fake news coming up next.