July 5, 2005

New Church Draws Fire For ‘Insect Cruelty’

CINCINNATI, OH -- A local animal rights' group has called for a boycott of Cincinnati's newest church because they say part of the worship service is cruel to insects.

The Church of Dunn began in 2001 when a handful of avid Reds fans began congregating to worship Adam Dunn most nights of the week. The congregation testifies about the batting order, sings the praises of the Holy Threesome of True Outcomes, and cuts the head off a horsefly with a ceremonial saber before each game.

The ritualistic killing of the horsefly is the part that has the animals rights' organization up in arms.

“Insects are living creatures and are entitled to protection from this kind of behavior,” said Jim I. Nee, leader of the animal rights' organization. “Why can't this group plant a tree instead?”

The congregation's leader, who would only identify himself as Brother OPS, explained that changing the ritual was impossible.

“Our tenets are very strict,” said Brother OPS. “We must keep a sacred chair in our homes only for Dunn. We must ponder the zen of his bobblehead three times per day. And, most importantly, we absolutely must sacrifice flies.”

Without legal recourse, the animal rights group says they will maintain their boycott.

“He strikes out too much anyway,” said Nee.

2 comments to “New Church Draws Fire For ‘Insect Cruelty’”

  1. JinAZ says:

    "we absolutely must sacrifice flies"


  2. RedsFan75 says:

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    Absolutely wonderful stuff.