July 12, 2005

This One *Really* Counts

DETROIT, MI -- Players in the 2005 All-Star Game in Detroit were stunned to find that President Bush had bombed Canada as a result of the Home Run Derby.

The Bush administration, fed up with Major League Baseball after months spent on steroids scandals and irritated about the format change of the Home Run Derby to include representatives from different countries, announced today that the All-Star Game tagline was “the last straw in a long list of baseball's lies.”

“We were tired of hearing how 'this one counts' when it doesn't count for anything,” said White House press secretary Scott McClellan, “So we decided to make it count for something and bombed the last place country.”

The last place country was Canada, whose representative Jason Bay failed to hit a single home run before earning 10 outs. Bay's performance came right after Bobby Abreu hit 24 long bombs in the first round, so 24 bombs were dropped in sparsley populated areas.

“We didn't want to hurt anyone,” said McClellan, “We just wanted to make a point.”

“We are a nation at war, and the men in our military know what things matter. Now Major League Baseball understands when something really counts,” said President Bush. “Canada has something to think about, too.”

Bush wouldn't discuss what his administration has planned for the losers of the All-Star Game tonight, but he warned the players to be on their toes.

“And don't mess with Teixeira,” Bush added as he left the podium.

105 comments to “This One *Really* Counts”

  1. Red Hot Mama says:

    Nice! You’re starting to discover the coping mechanisms we use in Reds fandom!

  2. My goodness. The starters couldn’t do anything. Time to re-think the "This Time It Counts."

    John Smoltz better hide.

  3. Joel says:

    I love it when billionaire corporations give $50,000 cars to millionaire baseball players. That’s America!

  4. Red Hot Mama says:

    Well, we didn’t get the HFA or the car, but at least we still have each other.

    It’s always a pleasure Ms. Scratcher, Joel, and the whole Scratcher Posse. We need to figure out a way to do this again before the end of September.

  5. I’ll look around at the Cubs schedule, we’ll always have them to laugh at.