July 12, 2005

This One *Really* Counts

DETROIT, MI -- Players in the 2005 All-Star Game in Detroit were stunned to find that President Bush had bombed Canada as a result of the Home Run Derby.

The Bush administration, fed up with Major League Baseball after months spent on steroids scandals and irritated about the format change of the Home Run Derby to include representatives from different countries, announced today that the All-Star Game tagline was “the last straw in a long list of baseball's lies.”

“We were tired of hearing how 'this one counts' when it doesn't count for anything,” said White House press secretary Scott McClellan, “So we decided to make it count for something and bombed the last place country.”

The last place country was Canada, whose representative Jason Bay failed to hit a single home run before earning 10 outs. Bay's performance came right after Bobby Abreu hit 24 long bombs in the first round, so 24 bombs were dropped in sparsley populated areas.

“We didn't want to hurt anyone,” said McClellan, “We just wanted to make a point.”

“We are a nation at war, and the men in our military know what things matter. Now Major League Baseball understands when something really counts,” said President Bush. “Canada has something to think about, too.”

Bush wouldn't discuss what his administration has planned for the losers of the All-Star Game tonight, but he warned the players to be on their toes.

“And don't mess with Teixeira,” Bush added as he left the podium.

105 comments to “This One *Really* Counts”

  1. Joel says:

    Idiot fans. That guy should be thrown out of the game and beat with a long photographic lens.

  2. Red Hot Mama says:

    I hear those lenses are real dangerous. I wouldn’t want to be hit with one.

    Seriously, will they kick him out for that? You don’t get to pick up balls in play.

  3. Joel says:

    I seriously thought that I would get to root for a winning team tonight. But these guys look more like the Reds than the Reds do.

  4. Red Hot Mama says:

    Funny how familiar this game feels.

  5. Joel says:

    I’m surprised A-rod didn’t run out to center and try to slap the ball out of Edmonds’ hand.

  6. Jimmy got the ball! Yay Edmonds!

  7. cardsrul says:

    Time for La Russa to make one of his infamous double switches…

  8. Liam says:

    The yuppy in the green shirt who snagged that fair ball down the 1b line wasn’t kicked out of the game.

    Nice pickoff by Hernandez/Lee, though. To quote McCarver and RHM: "Not to sound trite, but *that’s* why they’re All-Stars."

  9. Red Hot Mama says:

    OK, I despise the Red Sox as much as anyone, but I love the Damon DHL commercial.

  10. I need more beer. This is embarrassing.

  11. Red Hot Mama says:

    Though they cut off the best part at the end with the handlebar mustache.

    You must be disappointed, Joel.

  12. Roger’s wearing short pants. Weird.

  13. Tony’s not happy.

  14. Red Hot Mama says:

    He’s not? How can you tell?

    (That sounds sarcastic, but it’s not. I really can’t tell.)

  15. cardsrul says:

    Tony is rarely happy…

  16. Red Hot Mama says:

    Oh yeah. That’s not a way of life for everyone. Easy to forget.

  17. Joel says:

    Uh oh…Kenny Rogers is warming up.

  18. Liam says:

    Hey gang! Let’s pinch hit Carlos Lee for Albert Pujols. Just to see what happens, mmkay?

  19. Well, Tony did say he’d rather win Friday.

  20. Joel says:

    Do you think that Moises Alou still pees on his hands? He’s not hitting quite as well as he did last year. Is that because he’s not getting the right nutrients in his pee in San Fran?

  21. Red Hot Mama says:

    That could be it. A lot of guys are lacking something in their urine this year.

  22. Joel says:

    See, I set ’em up and RHM knocks ’em out of the park!

  23. C’mon Dontrelle!

  24. Red Hot Mama says:

    We are quite a team. Now I just gotta convince you to ditch that loser over at Reds and Blues and come write for RHM. C’mon Joel, I get almost as many hits now as you did over at GARB!

  25. Red Hot Mama says:

    Could you make an entire fantasy team of guys who wear their hats crooked?

  26. Ok, all the Cards are out of the game. No one else in the National League cares. Grrrr. I guess Tony’s pep talk didn’t work.

  27. Joel says:

    Actually RHM, you get many more hits than I ever did at GARB, but then I didn’t have the foresight to mention a nationally celebrity like Tony Little in order to increase my hits.

    Don’t mess with Teixeira!

  28. Red Hot Mama says:

    J-Ro from da Bay. Nice.

  29. Ok. Time to get back in this game. The AL sucks! Can’t even play by the real rules! Go real baseball!!!

    At least get one run.

  30. Whoo-hoooooo! Take that, Rogers.

  31. Red Hot Mama says:

    Booo-yah! Go Andruw!

  32. Red Hot Mama says:

    When they show Andruw in the dugout you can see Felipe in the background. Might be the most camera time he gets all night.

  33. Holy crap, Ensberg’s gonna play first? And Lee was in longer than Pujols? Baker’s gonna be mad. Ha.

  34. Red Hot Mama says:

    Woo…Lidge made Anderson look silly. Small consolation, but still.

  35. Hey, RHM, someone tried to post over here and got an invalid page request.

  36. Red Hot Mama says:

    I’m not sure how to help. They reloaded, restarted the browser, etc?

  37. Joel says:

    woohoo! Go Felipe!

  38. I guess. Anyway, he blames Piazza.

  39. Red Hot Mama says:

    Nice hit, Felipe. Isn’t he sweet?

  40. I think Jose is used to Albert running through his stop signs.

  41. Lopez is very sweet (for tonight) and acording to Joe, he’s wearing a "Vote For Pedro" t shirt.

  42. Red Hot Mama says:

    Yeah, there was recently a story somewhere in the Reds media about the team watching that movie before a game. It must have been a significant bonding experience.

  43. Well, if they can’t rally around a movie, what chance do they have?

  44. Red Hot Mama says:

    Man, this is bleak. Just one more chance to come up with some strategalutions.

  45. Ok. Now I hate Selig. Giving HFA to the winner of this game is a traveshamocky. The players don’t care. They’re just there to have fun and get free stuff.

    What’s the Cards’ record on the southside?

  46. Red Hot Mama says:

    All-right! A less humiliating deficit!

  47. We’re losing by less than half!

  48. Red Hot Mama says:

    Way to run it out LoDuca. Jeepers.