September 6, 2005

Reds Notebook: More Firsts for Holbert, Awards for Griffey

CINCINNATI, OH -- For Aaron Holbert, who waited nine and a half years between his first and second major league appearances, almost every event is a major-league first. He recorded his first major-league hit on Friday. He recorded his first major-league start and RBI on Monday.

“Every time I turn around, people are talking about my first major-league something or other,” said Holbert. “This morning a reporter gave me the pencil he used to take notes in my first major-league interview, and this afternoon someone presented me with the plate that had held my first major-league turkey sandwich.”

Holbert doesn't want to know what will happen when people find out that he is developing his first major-league case of jock itch.

“It's getting to be a major-league pain in the ass,” said Holbert.

Griffey Could Become Baseball God
Ken Griffey Jr. has already been nominated for the Hank Aaron award, the Comeback Player of the Year Award, and talk has begun of Reds MVP. Add to his list of nominations the position of Baseball God.

“Everyone talks about the Baseball Gods,” said Griffey. “But I didn't realize that it was a real group.”

Griffey said the nomination, which appeared in a brilliant flash in his locker this afternoon, was a surprise, but teammates say it makes perfect sense.

“Really,” said Sean Casey. “A lot of what he's done this year as been nothing short of miraculous.”

As a Baseball God, Griffey would be responsible for knocking down anyone who got too cocky or self-important.

“Hey, Aurilia,” Griffey laughed. “Come over here a minute.”

Freel Celebrates Return
Ryan Freel celebrated his return from disabled list exile by playing a prank on the new guy today. Freel had nine and a half pizzas delivered to Holbert this afternoon, to represent the nine and a half years between his major league appearances.

When reminded that it was his first major-league prank, Holbert said, “Dammit!”

2 comments to “Reds Notebook: More Firsts for Holbert, Awards for Griffey”

  1. Joel says:

    You should email this article to Holbert. It is his first major league RHM fake news story, if I recall correctly.

  2. Red Hot Mama says:

    Nope, I’ve actually written one before. In 1996. Seemed like a pretty weird thing for me to do at the time, seeing as I was a high school senior who wasn’t the least bit of a baseball fan and had never even been to St. Louis.

    But now I realize that it was just foreshadowing. I should have known; there have always been a surprising number of literary devices in my life.