Daily Archives: September 8, 2005

September 8, 2005

Magnanimous Reds Donate Runs to Charity

CINCINNATI, OH -- The Cincinnati Reds, who were already a generous bunch even before recent opportunities to contribute to flood relief and comfort a small child who lost his grandfather during a game, revealed today that they have been donating runs from selected games to charity all season long.

The announcement was supposed to wait until after the conclusion of the 2005 season, but word leaked yesterday when John Fay of the Cincinnati Enquirer let slip the fact that Felipe Lopez “delivered a two-run, RBI single in the seventh to tie it at 1-1″ in his story Valentin Comes Up Large Once Again.

“People started asking questions,” explained Sean Casey, who masterminded the plan, “about how a two-run hit could tie the score at ones. So we decided to just go ahead and let the cat out of the bag.”

According to Casey's plan, the Reds have designated certain games where most or all of the runs would not be reflected in the team's score, but would instead be given to the residents of the St. Pia Zadora Golden Buckeye Retirement Community. The revelation of this program has explained several games this season where the number of Reds runs has seemed uncharacteristically low.

Lou S. Toole, director of the retirement community, reports that his guests have found the donations to be a relieving change of pace.

“These people, more than anyone I can imagine, really appreciate getting the runs,” said Toole.

Now that the Reds postseason hopes are officially gone, expect many more of the low-scoring affairs.

“It was hard to keep it inside for so long,” said Cincinnati slugger Adam Dunn of the secret charity program. “There was so much pressure. I just felt like I was going to burst. But it's been worth it to see the smiles on the faces of those retirees.”