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This One *Really* Counts
By
Amanda
DETROIT, MI -- Players in the 2005 All-Star Game in Detroit were stunned to find that President Bush had bombed Canada as a result of the Home Run Derby.
The Bush administration, fed up with Major League Baseball after months spent on steroids scandals and irritated about the format change of the Home Run Derby to include representatives from different countries, announced today that the All-Star Game tagline was “the last straw in a long list of baseball's lies.”
“We were tired of hearing how 'this one counts' when it doesn't count for anything,” said White House press secretary Scott McClellan, “So we decided to make it count for something and bombed the last place country.”
The last place country was Canada, whose representative Jason Bay failed to hit a single home run before earning 10 outs. Bay's performance came right after Bobby Abreu hit 24 long bombs in the first round, so 24 bombs were dropped in sparsley populated areas.
“We didn't want to hurt anyone,” said McClellan, “We just wanted to make a point.”
“We are a nation at war, and the men in our military know what things matter. Now Major League Baseball understands when something really counts,” said President Bush. “Canada has something to think about, too.”
Bush wouldn't discuss what his administration has planned for the losers of the All-Star Game tonight, but he warned the players to be on their toes.
“And don't mess with Teixeira,” Bush added as he left the podium.
It’s weird. I’m a little nervous.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:06 pm
Your boy’s got some tats, RHM.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:22 pm
Yeah, I know what you mean. This game wouldn’t have been remotely as interesting if I hadn’t agreed to put my utter lack of AL knowledge on the line and embarrass myself in public.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:25 pm
That’s why we’re making fun of them.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:26 pm
Wow. Francona’s not wearing his cruddy sweatshirt. Way to step it up, Terry.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:30 pm
OK, I know this isn’t our traditional smack, but it’s crap that Willis isn’t starting. Of all the Cards on the team, the only one who’s actally the team’s best option at his position is Edmonds. Scary.
OK, I’ll stop now. Well, I’ll try.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:32 pm
The thing is Chris hasn’t pitched since Wednesday-Willis pitched on Friday (same with Clemens, I believe) and got rocked. All things being equal, I would have gone with Willis.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:37 pm
And there is something to say for starting the ace of the staff of the best team in the league.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:39 pm
Or for exercising the perks of being the one in charge and playing all your own guys.
I mean, yeah, you’ve got a point.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:44 pm
La Russa was far far from pulling a Joe Torre. He could have named Morris to the team, but thought there were already too many Cardinals.
Course, now that Rolen’s pulled out, we’re down to just five and only four starters.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:47 pm
Scooter: baseball’s Clippy.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:49 pm
I am going to kill McCarver.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:51 pm
C’mon, that pianist metaphor was poetry!
The defensive line-up just showed Carpenter pitching for the AL. Time to fire the intern.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:53 pm
Nice, Derrek. You finally have a guy on ahead of you and you strike out. Thanks.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:56 pm
Hee hee. How’s your SS, Damon?
July 12th, 2005 at 5:59 pm
Ooh, the first out is a pretty one from the little guy. Too bad he wasn’t tall enough for the next ball.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:00 pm
Gee, all those Cardinals sure don’t belong in the starting lineup.
Jimmy’s gonna look bad.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:04 pm
Dude, I was being serious. It *was* pretty and I give him full props. And calling someone a little guy is a big compliment from me.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:06 pm
No, that wasn’t directed at you. It was directed to ESPN, FOX, et al that said Carpenter was a dumb choice and Eckstein was the worst free-agent signing.
I just clapped for a Cub.
I feel so very very dirty.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:08 pm
Aha. I know about failed free-agent signings: Eckstein wasn’t one of them.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:09 pm
Can I ask you girls a question? Do you enjoy the shot of Mark Buehrle’s buttocks every time they show the diamond cam? Cause it really doesn’t do a thing for me.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:09 pm
Terrible angle. Too compressed. It’s like he got squashed.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:11 pm
I don’t like Jeff Kent, but if I could grow a mustache like his, I would. I’m jealous of men who can grow stellar mustaches.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:11 pm
No, Buehrle is not hotness personified. I prefer smaller hips.
He doesn’t do it for you either? Just how *do* you like your male buttocks, Joel?
July 12th, 2005 at 6:14 pm
Thanks, John. You rock.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:16 pm
I prefer my men to look more like women…come to think of it, I actually prefer women.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:16 pm
What’s the over-under on how long it will take Kenny Rogers or Gary Sheffield to attack FOX Reporter Kevin Kennedy?
July 12th, 2005 at 6:18 pm
Maybe Rogers could attack McCarver and win back some of his popularity.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:20 pm
Everyone is glad Milton Bradley is not at the game.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:22 pm
When Bartolo Colon pitches, his belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:23 pm
whoah, eckstein almost hit it to the warning track….good job davey!
July 12th, 2005 at 6:23 pm
Throwing error on Colon to first. *That’s* why they’re All-Stars.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:27 pm
Colon you are chubby and can’t throw a pickoff!
July 12th, 2005 at 6:27 pm
Thank god Tim McCarver is there to remind us that Mark "Don’t mess with" Teixeira has never caught a pick off throw from Colon. What I like about McCarver is that he isn’t afraid to look like an idiot….or maybe he just doesn’t know that he looks like an idiot.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:28 pm
And he practically calls the plays before they happen. Or maybe I’m just used to the "George Grande delay."
July 12th, 2005 at 6:33 pm
Damon may have stolen 9 with 1 CS, but Albert’s stolen 9 and hasn’t been caught all year. I hate the Red Sox.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:34 pm
A-rod looks a little…uh…flaming in his white shoes with white pants. I’m no fashion expert, but that’s just my impression.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:34 pm
"Flaming" was too overt to be inuendo: I think what you meant to say is that with those white shoes he looks like he overdid it with the loafer lightener.
In any event, I think they’re fabulous.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:39 pm
They really do have some great music to lead into the commercials. Nicely done, MLB.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:41 pm
sorry, I need to hire a joke writer.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:43 pm
it’s a sad state for the NL when we are dependent on Cubs to take us to victory.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:44 pm
Lee can only hit with the bases empty. Stupid Cub.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:44 pm
Oh, I’m not cross-posting anymore-it got too confusing.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:45 pm
Sorry Joel. I’m in full-on smack mode. I’ll lay off.
Way to go Edmonds! (Now *I* feel dirty.)
July 12th, 2005 at 6:46 pm
way to run it out ramirez….stupid cub.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:46 pm
Is it possible to just mute McCarver? Man, I wish my TV had an SAP button!
July 12th, 2005 at 6:48 pm
I was really hoping we’d put some runs on the board before Clemens came in. It might have been a nice experience for him.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:49 pm
Ha! Yeah, Clemens deserves some support. If only there were a team around with a powerful offense and a struggling pitching staff that he could be the star of. If only.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:52 pm
Did they really just play Elton John for Livan Hernandez? FOX’s creative director needs to be fired
July 12th, 2005 at 6:52 pm
God, I hate the Cubs. If the Cardinals are lucky enough to get to the World Series, I am personally going to blame the Cubs for us not having HFA.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:53 pm
Idiot fans. That guy should be thrown out of the game and beat with a long photographic lens.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:55 pm
I hear those lenses are real dangerous. I wouldn’t want to be hit with one.
Seriously, will they kick him out for that? You don’t get to pick up balls in play.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:57 pm
I seriously thought that I would get to root for a winning team tonight. But these guys look more like the Reds than the Reds do.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:57 pm
Funny how familiar this game feels.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:57 pm
I’m surprised A-rod didn’t run out to center and try to slap the ball out of Edmonds’ hand.
July 12th, 2005 at 6:58 pm
Jimmy got the ball! Yay Edmonds!
July 12th, 2005 at 6:58 pm
Time for La Russa to make one of his infamous double switches…
July 12th, 2005 at 6:59 pm
The yuppy in the green shirt who snagged that fair ball down the 1b line wasn’t kicked out of the game.
Nice pickoff by Hernandez/Lee, though. To quote McCarver and RHM: "Not to sound trite, but *that’s* why they’re All-Stars."
July 12th, 2005 at 7:00 pm
OK, I despise the Red Sox as much as anyone, but I love the Damon DHL commercial.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:00 pm
I need more beer. This is embarrassing.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:01 pm
Though they cut off the best part at the end with the handlebar mustache.
You must be disappointed, Joel.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:02 pm
Roger’s wearing short pants. Weird.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:11 pm
Tony’s not happy.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:12 pm
He’s not? How can you tell?
(That sounds sarcastic, but it’s not. I really can’t tell.)
July 12th, 2005 at 7:14 pm
Tony is rarely happy…
July 12th, 2005 at 7:14 pm
He’s losing.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:15 pm
Oh yeah. That’s not a way of life for everyone. Easy to forget.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:18 pm
Uh oh…Kenny Rogers is warming up.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:20 pm
Hey gang! Let’s pinch hit Carlos Lee for Albert Pujols. Just to see what happens, mmkay?
July 12th, 2005 at 7:21 pm
Well, Tony did say he’d rather win Friday.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:22 pm
Do you think that Moises Alou still pees on his hands? He’s not hitting quite as well as he did last year. Is that because he’s not getting the right nutrients in his pee in San Fran?
July 12th, 2005 at 7:22 pm
That could be it. A lot of guys are lacking something in their urine this year.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:24 pm
See, I set ‘em up and RHM knocks ‘em out of the park!
July 12th, 2005 at 7:24 pm
C’mon Dontrelle!
July 12th, 2005 at 7:27 pm
We are quite a team. Now I just gotta convince you to ditch that loser over at Reds and Blues and come write for RHM. C’mon Joel, I get almost as many hits now as you did over at GARB!
July 12th, 2005 at 7:27 pm
Could you make an entire fantasy team of guys who wear their hats crooked?
July 12th, 2005 at 7:30 pm
Ok, all the Cards are out of the game. No one else in the National League cares. Grrrr. I guess Tony’s pep talk didn’t work.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:30 pm
Actually RHM, you get many more hits than I ever did at GARB, but then I didn’t have the foresight to mention a nationally celebrity like Tony Little in order to increase my hits.
Don’t mess with Teixeira!
July 12th, 2005 at 7:31 pm
Duncan!!
July 12th, 2005 at 7:34 pm
J-Ro from da Bay. Nice.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:37 pm
Ok. Time to get back in this game. The AL sucks! Can’t even play by the real rules! Go real baseball!!!
At least get one run.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:41 pm
Whoo-hoooooo! Take that, Rogers.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:43 pm
Booo-yah! Go Andruw!
July 12th, 2005 at 7:43 pm
When they show Andruw in the dugout you can see Felipe in the background. Might be the most camera time he gets all night.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:46 pm
Holy crap, Ensberg’s gonna play first? And Lee was in longer than Pujols? Baker’s gonna be mad. Ha.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:46 pm
Woo…Lidge made Anderson look silly. Small consolation, but still.
July 12th, 2005 at 7:56 pm
Hey, RHM, someone tried to post over here and got an invalid page request.
July 12th, 2005 at 8:00 pm
I’m not sure how to help. They reloaded, restarted the browser, etc?
July 12th, 2005 at 8:01 pm
woohoo! Go Felipe!
July 12th, 2005 at 8:02 pm
I guess. Anyway, he blames Piazza.
July 12th, 2005 at 8:02 pm
Nice hit, Felipe. Isn’t he sweet?
July 12th, 2005 at 8:02 pm
I think Jose is used to Albert running through his stop signs.
July 12th, 2005 at 8:03 pm
Lopez is very sweet (for tonight) and acording to Joe, he’s wearing a "Vote For Pedro" t shirt.
July 12th, 2005 at 8:04 pm
Yeah, there was recently a story somewhere in the Reds media about the team watching that movie before a game. It must have been a significant bonding experience.
July 12th, 2005 at 8:05 pm
Well, if they can’t rally around a movie, what chance do they have?
July 12th, 2005 at 8:09 pm
Man, this is bleak. Just one more chance to come up with some strategalutions.
July 12th, 2005 at 8:19 pm
Ok. Now I hate Selig. Giving HFA to the winner of this game is a traveshamocky. The players don’t care. They’re just there to have fun and get free stuff.
What’s the Cards’ record on the southside?
July 12th, 2005 at 8:20 pm
All-right! A less humiliating deficit!
July 12th, 2005 at 8:26 pm
We’re losing by less than half!
July 12th, 2005 at 8:27 pm
Way to run it out LoDuca. Jeepers.
July 12th, 2005 at 8:27 pm
Nice! You’re starting to discover the coping mechanisms we use in Reds fandom!
July 12th, 2005 at 8:28 pm
My goodness. The starters couldn’t do anything. Time to re-think the "This Time It Counts."
John Smoltz better hide.
July 12th, 2005 at 8:33 pm
I love it when billionaire corporations give $50,000 cars to millionaire baseball players. That’s America!
July 12th, 2005 at 8:36 pm
Well, we didn’t get the HFA or the car, but at least we still have each other.
It’s always a pleasure Ms. Scratcher, Joel, and the whole Scratcher Posse. We need to figure out a way to do this again before the end of September.
July 12th, 2005 at 8:38 pm
I’ll look around at the Cubs schedule, we’ll always have them to laugh at.
July 12th, 2005 at 8:39 pm