March 18, 2007

About the Stupidest Piece of Crap I’ve Read this Year

So, I made sure to check out the Reds preview on Deadspin when it came out on Monday, and my exact quote to the CTS was, “it was awful. I didn't read any of the other previews, so I don't know how it compared, but if they were all that bad, I don't know why anyone would go to Deadspin.”

Apparently I'm in the minority, though, because JD and RLN both called it “entertaining” and the commenters on the entry on Deadspin entirely failed to call it the stupidest piece of crap they've read all year.

Nothing against Clay Travis of Claynation, of course. I'm sure he's a hell of a guy. He just wrote a stinker of a preview. Case in point:

1. It's hard not to be optimistic when Bronson Arroyo is one of your two staff aces. Wait, did I just write that? Was Rick Mahler not available anymore? Can we get Jose Rijo back? Arroyo has never won more than 14 games in a season. And while he and Aaron Harang are not a bad one-two punch, you get the feeling both guys would rather be doing back-up vocals for a band at Bonnaroo.

How is it even possible to throw around the phrase “two staff aces” and then act like it's a bad thing? And how lazy is it to make fun of Harang because of Arroyo's music? Jeez, if you're going to blast the Reds pitching because of their hobbies, at least personalize the bashing. There's an ocean of material RE Todd Coffey and Star Trek.

Or this gem:

3. Twenty-year-old pitching phenom Homer Bailey is waiting in the wings. Which is important. Because evidently the Reds are building their team around pitching now. This makes sense. Especially with a cavernous ballpark like Great American where no runs are ever scored. Wait, that's not the case. This makes zero sense.

Remember the part where I said “Nothing against Clay Travis” a few paragraphs ago? Yeah, never mind. The minute you say pitching isn't important unless you play in a big ballpark is the minute you've lost all credibility in anything you write about baseball.

The worst of all:

5. Will Griffey Jr. be willing to make the move to right field? Will he recover from a nasty Bahamian family-wrestling match that resulted in a broken left wrist? As is par for the course since his return to Cincy, questions loom. What's almost certain is that he won't play in more than 145 games. Since he hasn't yet in seven seasons with the Reds. And that he'll still have buckteeth.

My initial response to this paragraph is full of ranting and expletives. But I'd like to be constructive here, so maybe a little education is in order. A “buck”is a male rabbit (it's also a disparaging term for a black man, but I'm praying that's not what the author was getting at). “Buckteeth” are teeth like a rabbit's. Griffey does not have buckteeth.

A “hare” is also a rabbit. “Harebrained” is a word that comes to mind after reading this Reds preview. I'll let you look that one up yourself.

2 comments to “About the Stupidest Piece of Crap I’ve Read this Year”

  1. otto says:

    Rabbit brained?

  2. KC2HMZ says:

    Well, he did preface his remarks with the statement that, “This is going to be horrible.” At least he delivers what he promises.

    I’m going to guess that he “buckteeth” references the constant smile that’s almost always on Griffey’s face. Except when he’s talking about the move to right field, that is.

    I don’t think the piece on Deadspin was meant to be a serious preview anyway, and for their sake I hope not, but, hey – the guy’s from Nashville, where MODEM is what ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall and ONLINE is where you’re supposed to stay when taking the sobriety test…so did you really expect the kind of quality analysis we’ve become accustomed to here on RHM? >:-)