June 14, 2005

Green Tickle Monster At Large In Boston

BOSTON, MA -- A man in a furry green suit calling himself The Green Tickle Monster appeared in the Reds' locker room after tonight's game.

For a team that has seen family deaths, separated friends, and a season-long failure to meet lofty expectations, smiles are hard to come by. But tonight, hysterical laughter could be heard far outside the visitors' locker room.

Just moments after Ken Griffey Jr struck out to end the Reds' on-field misery, the locker room door slammed open with a bang that brought conversation to a sudden halt. Through the door rushed a six-and-a-half foot tall furry green creature announcing “I'm The Green Tickle Monster, and I'm going to get you!”

The man in the monster suit (still unidentified, though Adam Dunn was conspicuously missing) then took off after one player after another, pinning them down and tickling them until they cried uncle. The room stood in stunned silence as the monster pushed down Sean Casey and tickled his ribs, saying “Turn that frown upside-down, Señor Grumpy Face!”

Some were cheering and laughing along as he pulled off Rich Aurilia's shoes and tickled his feet, announcing, “You got your playing time; let's see you enjoy it!”

The Tickle Monster was beginning to chase after Ramón Ortiz, shouting “You're supposed to be Mr. Happy!” when the door slammed open again. The room again fell silent as Manager Dave Miley walked in to see what all the ruckus was.

The monster tackled Miley and tickled his collarbone, which at first elicited only rapid, nervous blinks that eventually yielded to titters and finally turned to guffaws.

For the third time in the evening, the door slammed open as Dunn stormed in and pulled the costumed man off of Miley. The unidentified man escaped before anyone had the presence of mind to stop him.

The Green Tickle Monster is still at large in the greater Boston metropolitan area. He is unarmed and presumed to be trying to make someone wet their pants. Please call 1-555-CRIMINAL if you have any information regarding the identity of this perpetrator.

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