June 29, 2005

Dunn Gets ‘King’-Size Chair

ST LOUIS, MO -- After pushing down and sitting on Cardinals' reliever Ray King today, Adam Dunn called King “comfy” and had him sent to Cincinnati to replace his old massage chair.

Dunn originally intended to sit on King as an act of retribution for King's collision with Austin Kearns in May of 2003. The collision at home plate caused Kearns a torn labrum and rotator cuff, injuries that started a long series of health problems that have shelved the highly anticipated outfielder for the better part of two years.

However, the sitting upon turned from vengeful to cozy when Dunn realized how similar to an overstuffed armchair King actually is.

“He's soft and kind of bouncy,” explained Dunn. “And if you get him laughing, it's sort of like the vibrating chair was.”

But what of the long awaited retribution for injuring Kearns?

“We'll just have to destroy the Cards tonight for that,” said Dunn.

52 comments to “Dunn Gets ‘King’-Size Chair”

  1. I’d like to see someone try to take on Ray King. They’d get a slider somewhere painful, toot sweet.

  2. Ok, I guess you’re playing softball. Here’s what has happened. Nothing in the first. Pena hit an absolute BOMB to center in the 2nd (2-0). Then the Reds CF misplayed a ball and Reggie got a double. Walker hits a laser to right. Tie game. Then the SS made an error, then he made another and a run scored. Morris bunted, Eckstein grounded out, but drove in a run. 4-2, after two.

  3. Red Hot Mama says:

    Thanks for the update. I’m back now: the Reds are welcome to stop stinking up the place now.

  4. Did you win? More importantly, was a good time had by all?

    And Larry just had an injection into his neck, so he’s bionic tonight.

  5. Red Hot Mama says:

    We thought we were playing the Cardinals, the lower-level team, but in fact we were playing the Rebels, our ringer team, so no. We did not win.

    We did, however, have a 4-run inning against them, a double play, I didn’t walk or hit anyone: plenty of highlights for the stars. Plus, our real pitcher is supposed to show up for our game next week.

    w00t! Go Wags!

  6. It’s too bad you didn’t win, but sounds like it was a well played game. No walks is very good. How’s your WHIP? 🙂

  7. Red Hot Mama says:

    Pretty bad. Like I said, it was our ringer team, so pretty much every hit out of the infield. I hope to get a proper game wrap up tomorrow, if I can make any sense of our scorekeeping. Jon even got some pictures tonight.

  8. Ok, this is getting a little too sewing circle-ish.

    Your line couldn’t be worse than the one Ortiz put up tonight.

  9. Red Hot Mama says:

    The stench off your sweaty team and crappy play musta been too distracting for him.

  10. Yeah, running around the bases so much does make one sweat.

  11. Red Hot Mama says:

    So does swinging out of your shoes.

    As you would say, ‘have a seat, Mr. Edmonds."

  12. Eh, *I* could strike out Jimmy. Not so much of an accomplishment.

  13. Red Hot Mama says:

    I’ll take what I can get.

  14. Red Hot Mama says:

    Ah, Encarnación: our future at third.

  15. They showed a graphic, is he really 0-fer-2005?

  16. Red Hot Mama says:

    That sounds about right to me. And offense is his *strong* suit.

  17. Oh, dear. That’s scary.

  18. Enough with the curtain calls.

  19. Red Hot Mama says:

    Everyone else is very excited about him. I keep hoping that I’ll see what they’re seeing. To be fair, he hasn’t seen much time at this level yet, but still.

    C’mon, your guys are the biggest freakin’ offense in the world. They ought to be able to touch Stone. What’s the deal?

  20. Who allowed the Reggie HR?

  21. Tonights.

    Ooooh! Our back up catcher drinks the same water I like!

  22. Red Hot Mama says:

    Sorry; I’m dizzy from watching all of them.

    C’mon, guys. Don’t leave Lopez hanging.

  23. Red Hot Mama says:

    Oh well; I guess that means that Lopez is officially hung.

  24. Hey, he stole a base off Yadi. That’s a big deal.

  25. Red Hot Mama says:

    Crap: I hope I had Edmonds playing on my fantasy team. I probably did; Freel’s hurt so I’ve had to play those people who have been sucking lately.

    Maybe we should get you pitching for the Reds. You’d apparently be better than Stone.

  26. Naw, I have Steve Blass Disease (the same thing Ankiel has). Can’t pitch anymore. Actually, maybe I *should* pitch for the Reds.

  27. Red Hot Mama says:

    At least you wouldn’t give up so many homeruns.

    Go LaRue. Man, does he ever look good sweaty.

  28. I’ll have to go back to the TiVo to check out if LaRue is attractive. But you know who looks good even sweaty? Chris Carpenter.

    Shackleford? Are we on an expidetion to the poles? Oh, that was Shackleton.

  29. Red Hot Mama says:

    I’m considering a hunger strike until the Reds win a road series. I would look great for swimsuit season, though I might not survive the baseball season.

    Beer. I need one more than you do, I bet.

  30. Hmmm. That’s not a bad idea, though I would reverse it, of course. Would do my new bikini well, I think.

  31. Red Hot Mama says:

    Carpenter’s not too bad, for a Card. Tall for my particular taste, but not bad all-in-all.

    Brian "Love" Shackleford on an expedition to the foul poles.

    It was a short expedition.

  32. Oh my. Mulder’s doing a Got Milk? commercial.

    The Cardinals’ rotation is very tall.

  33. Red Hot Mama says:

    OK, it’s the 8th. If I don’t put down some serious smack now, I won’t have another chance until September!

    Some of you outfield might have keeled over from old age by then!

  34. Red Hot Mama says:

    (At least I should have some new material by September.)

  35. Wow, is it really until September? Yikes. Ummm…the Reds stink.

  36. We should smack talk a neutral game between now and September. It’s much easier to make fun of teams you don’t care about.

  37. Red Hot Mama says:

    Are you saying you care about the Reds? How sweet. I’ve gotta say, with as much as I’ve learned about the Cards preparing for these smack sessions, I…no. I’ll just stop.

    How ’bout a Cubs game? That could be good fun.

  38. I care about the Reds in the sense that they are the competition and could be *very* dangerous on any given day.

    Yadi’s at first? What the hell?

    A Cubs game sounds like an excellent idea.

  39. Oh, lord. Cali’s in.

  40. Red Hot Mama says:

    Oh, yeah. I remember this Cali character. Good times.

  41. There’s his sac fly.

  42. Red Hot Mama says:

    Can you get all those games? Here’s the [url=http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/schedule/index.jsp?c_id=chc&m=7&y=2005]Cubs schedule[/url]

    Holy crap! There’s your headline. Smart money says that shows up on Baseball Tonight.

  43. That’s a Winner!

    I’ve got Extra Innings and mlb radio, so I get all of the games. Now the quesstion is, should we do an intradivision game or when they play someone from the east or west?

  44. Red Hot Mama says:

    It would be easiest for me to smack someone familiar. I’m going to have to do a lot of research either way, though.

  45. The only time in July the Cubs play in the Central, I’m on vacation.

    I suppose we could do the All-Star Game.

  46. Red Hot Mama says:

    Well, it *is* an event that deserves something special. Do you already have a lot to do over the All-Star Break, though? Didn’t you say you were gonna re-do the watchability factors?

  47. Yeah, but those aren’t very hard to do. And the Cards have an extra day off after the break. Other than that, my only other plans for those days is to watch the celebrity softball game. For some reason, I love it.