August 20, 2005

I Only Read It for the Articles

In news that I think we all saw coming, after belting out 17 runs yesterday the Reds could muster only two tonight to lose in the second game of the series against the Diamondbacks. The jaded part of me says they'll go on to lose tomorrow in another achingly low-scoring affair, and then all the news stories will talk about how they outscored Arizona over the three games but still lost the series.

Grumble grumble.

Just When You Thought You Knew the Definition of 'Foul Balls'
In news that's perhaps a little less expected coming from me, there's an interview with Jessica Canseco, ex-wife of Jose Canseco, in the September issue of Playboy. It's a pretty short article, so I'll take away the excuse you were going to use for buying the magazine and hit the high points right here and now. I bet you're very appreciative that I'm saving you $4.99.

The relationship began as all successful, long-term relationships do when Jose, already at the peak of his popularity, picked Jessica up in the Hooters where she worked. The very next day, Jose committed the famous ball-bounced-off-his-head-and-over-the-wall blooper, presumably because he was still absorbed with her visage. It had to be love.

Once they were together, Jose apparently cheated incessantly. He was an especially callous casanova, characterizing his lovers not by their names but instead by their hair color. Now, I kind of figured that when you signed on with a jock, especially a jock who was already a national celebrity, especially a jock who was already a national celebrity who picked you up in a Hooters, that you pretty much went into the situation with the understanding that, while you were the official other half of the duet, there was realistically a lot of other accompaniment going on.

Apparently athlete's bombshell-significant-others are just as naïve and romantic as all young inamoratas though, because the article goes on to describe some of the lengths to which Jessica went to try to keep Jose's affections to herself, including muscling up to the mortifying weight of 130 because he liked her to be “meaty,” arranging a ménage à trois with a friend, and submitting to his carnal urges anywhere and everywhere, Fenway Park being specifically cited (though she declined to give the row and seat number for fear that she would “get in trouble.”) It wasn't enough to hold Jose's attention, however, and the two were divorced in 2000.

Of course, no Canseco story would be complete without some discussion of steroids. This discussion didn't shed much new light, except that the substances left Jose so hobbled that Jessica would sometimes have to help him dress himself.

Oh, and that he apparently has no testicles left at all.

Just When You Think All The Good Ones Are Already Taken, You're Right
In news that's downright sweet, JD, the world's most beloved Reds blogger, got married last night. Smart getting married during the season, leaving open the opportunity for all manner of baseball-related anniversary presents. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Reporter. Best of luck to you in the coming years.

And Just When I Was Starting to Find my Stroke
Finally, in news that is bittersweet, tomorrow is the big state tournament that marks the end of the Indiana Special Olympics softball season. From what we hear, the Stars have been placed in the fourth of six divisions. Each division has four teams, with the winners of the first two games playing to determine first and second place, and the other two teams both receiving bronze medals. Here's hoping we get to play two games tomorrow. I'd love to post a photo of something in the silver or--dare to dream--gold spectrum.

Go Stars! Go Reds! And, oh heck why not: Go JD!

8 comments to “I Only Read It for the Articles”

  1. Billingsfan says:

    Did Mrs. C do the Playboy thing? Did she unveil her hooters? That would be worth the $4.95. Otherwise, a waste of money.

  2. Red Hot Mama says:

    It goes without saying that there’s an accompanying pictorial, and there’s hardly a square inch of Ms. Conseco that isn’t unveiled in one photo or another. In a couple of the pics her facial expression is downright Laura Palmer-esque, but I doubt you’d be looking at her face anyway.

    So, given your criteria, yeah, totally worth the five-spot.

  3. Joel says:

    Now, if there were pictures, I think it would have made your analysis that much more in depth if you had scanned and posted them for us to see.

    And how about some statistical analysis? What is the ratio of her cup size to her waist? What’s her OPS (use your imagination)? How does she do in the clutch? (that sounds dirty, doesn’t it?)

    You came up short on this one, RHM.

  4. Zeldink says:

    I agree with Joel. You definitely dropped the ball.

  5. Red Hot Mama says:

    I’m really sorry to disappoint you, guys. Unfortunately, I have no intention of posting nude photos of other women on RHM.

    As for statistical analysis, I recommend that you whip out your spreadsheets and do it yourself. Heaven knows you have enough practice.

  6. Joel says:

    Hmmm…."no intention of posting nude photos of [strong][em]other[/em][/strong] women."

    Well played, RHM. That oughta keep the male readership coming back for a few weeks at least.

  7. JD Arney says:

    Thank you for the congrats! That was very nice to read upon arriving home.

  8. Red Hot Mama says:

    My pleasure. Sorry to squish your special day in with Jessica Canseco. However, this has been my most well-read post since I mentioned Tony Little, so at least I can claim I exposed a few extra people to the celebration of your nuptials.