Daily Archives: August 1, 2007

August 1, 2007

Adam and Austin Go to White Castle

WASHINGTON, DC - A year has passed since the long-time friends Adam Dunn (CIN left field) and Austin Kearns (WAS right field) were separated by a trade. This week’s series between the Reds and the Nationals allowed the two to reminisce on old times, swap parenting tips, and hit their favorite restaurant: White Castle.

“[Washington Manager Manny] Acta gave me extra fielding,” said Kearns, “but I just told him 'As a matter of facta, I'm busy'.”

“Actually, I was the one to convince Kearnsy to hit the town anyway,” explained Dunn. “I told him to bring his mitt and we'd see what we could shag along the way,” he said with a wink. The two piled into Kearns’s car and took off for the nearest Slyders they could find.

The duo had been driving for 30 minutes when they heard on the radio that there was a tiger on the loose, but they didn’t have long to worry about it before their car broke down. “Thankfully Freak Show stopped to help us,” said Kearns of Danny Graves, who happened to be out for a jog and helped fix the car. “Too bad he left his hot wife at home.”

As the three once-teammates continued to White Castle, they noticed a celebrity hitchhiker. He was a guy famous nationally and internationally for playing the part of the child prodigy: Ken Griffey, Jr. The former Reds’ outfield was together again.

Before long, though, Griffey was itching to pick up some fishing poles he’d ordered (“Best hookers in town!”) and some cola (“I need some Coke!”) and, as a practical joke, he took Kearns’s car and left the pair on the side of the road. That’s when they ran across the tiger that they’d heard about on the radio.

“It was pretty tense,” said Dunn, recounting the scene, “But then we saw it was just Sean Casey and we knew everything was all right, if progressively less plausible.” Casey, the nicest guy in baseball, offered to carry the guys on his back the rest of the way to the restaurant.

Finally they arrived and ordered an enormous meal before the four millionaires discovered that they’d all forgotten their wallets. Thankfully, that’s when Griffey appeared with Kearns’s car, high as a kite over his hookers and Coke, and ready to pay for dinner after his little joke.

“It was sort of a dick move on my part,” said Griffey.